On the Road Pt. 1

02/02/2013 2:00PM

It’s the weekend and for a change, we’re going out of town. We've been planning for this trip the entire week, while simultaneously worrying about the future; that is currently looking bleaker by the minute.

The “powers that be” are officially ignoring me. I've gotten no response to any of my inquiry, whether by phone or text. I've resorted to contacting the people who had connections to the “powers that be” and I've successfully gotten nowhere. I’m pathetic and terribly worried that my plans will be thrown in the back burner. I’m not a super religious person but I’m praying so hard for a break. The Big Guy upstairs is not responding yet so I’m trying to keep myself together, so far I’m not doing a good job at that. I’m close to pulling my hair out and screaming against my pillow no longer help with reducing my frustrations. However, I’m still able to save face so I haven’t reached my breaking point yet. I guess it’s always darker before it turns absolutely pitch black..

We are currently driving to a hot spring resort in Laguna that I found via FB. This trip is supposed to be an outing for Ogot’s family before we head off to a distant place but even though those plans are looking dreary, we haven’t got the heart to broadcast it. Telling people of the pending impossibility of our plans will only make it real and we are still hoping that things push through. A delay would be acceptable as long as I’m able to fulfill certain appointments, otherwise, it would not only break my heart but I’ll also be a major disappointment to someone I don’t want to let down.

I’m trouble by all this things whilst sitting in this van and going towards what is supposed to be an enjoyable outing. I’m not saying that I wouldn't participate it the fun, I’m not a hypocrite. I badly need a distraction and this trip is better than anything else I've tried so far. Besides, I've mastered the art of keeping things bottled up so this shouldn't be much of a stretch. I genuinely want to have a good time, if I could only shut my mind off and stop obsessing about the things that should be. I’m trying but perhaps I should try harder.

They say that denial is a great healer and I've been nagged by a dear friend to try it, but deluding myself that everything is or will be all okay seem too long of a shot to be believable to me. I’m what people used to call an eternal pessimist. I don’t mean to be and frankly I don’t want to be. I've managed to get over that trait but lately, it’s been rearing its ugly head. As misery would have it, I unfortunately don’t know how to turn from here. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I desperately need a fresh start and I can’t do it here. I want to hit the reset button. Everything has been set and carefully planned. I’m just waiting for an answer to a question that is eluding me. I just need one more thing and we’ll be off. I’m still waiting..