Seul..

It’s been 5 long months since I last wrote an entry. I couldn’t get myself to write anything. I have so many thoughts clouding my head but no courage to put them in print. So many things have happened I still haven’t managed to catch up to all of it and putting them on paper makes it more real to me.

My grandmother turned 73 and I threw her a big birthday party as a gift. Her daughter and son were surprisingly present; an achievement as they both worked overseas and had a rough timing of being in the country at the same time. It was a pleasant event. Most of our close relatives were there, catching up, drinking, laughing and reminiscing. If I knew that it was the last fun moment I’d have with my family I would have wished it never ended.

The next month, I braced myself for the anniversary of my brother’s passing. I couldn’t believe that it’s already been a year. I remember everything. The pain haven’t subsided even a microscopic bit. My world had changed so much since then but the devastation is all the same. My world went downhill from the moment I lost him, to say the least. I’ve been chocked with work, traveling and responsibilities. I didn’t really have a life. Sleep was a luxury I could no longer afford and the world is bleak at best. I barely saw my friends and I felt detached to the world around me.

I don’t think I can manage to say anything more about that..

A couple of months after reliving my endless nightmare and while I was in the middle of a ton of work, I received a phone call saying that my grandmother was in the hospital. I froze where I was sitting. I’ve only ever had my brother and my grandma as it was always just the three of us here in the PH. My family life is generally a complicated mess. I don’t have a perfect relationship with my grandma. We had a lot of ups and downs. But at the end of the day, it cannot be denied that I love her so much. She loved and accepted who I was without volition. She never judged and was supportive about my choices in life, as my brother was. Thoughts were overflowing in my head as my world stopped spinning. I’ve already lost the most important person in my life the year before and I couldn’t afford to lose the prevalent reason why I still manage to get up in the morning.

My heart sank to the floor the moment I stepped into the hospital room. My grandma was staring at the ceiling and wasn’t saying a word. I approached her slowly to see exactly how she was. She looked up and smiled at me. I then let go of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I asked for a run down on what’s been happening at home and disappointment engulfed me..

I was at her bedside every day with a bundle of nerves that I was trying to hide as much as I could. She had a bad night when I was at work and I immediately tensed even more. It had passed when I got to the hospital though but I was still sick to my stomach. Her daughter, my mother, had told us that she would be home soon and grandma had managed to be unbelievably skeptical that it was funny for a moment. She came a couple of days later but timing was off though as I got sick. I met her once in the hospital, we were civil but I was uncomfortable for some reason. A dark cloud is hanging over my head and I’m not sure she even noticed. I could no longer visit grandma in the hospital as I was advised that my condition may hinder her recovery. So I waited by the phone for updates and kept asking how she is. A week after my last visit, she was released from the hospital. I was relieved. She got home ok and a new living situation has been set-up to make sure she’s taken-cared of. One of my favorite aunt and a nursing trained help is to live with her from then on. Her daughter was still in the PH and was overseeing the move. I was finally able to see my grandma and was glad that she was doing a lot better. I visited as much as my schedule allowed without being berated by my boss. My mom and I barely talked. I supposed there’s really nothing to talk about. Our relationship is strained to say the least.

I still insisted on getting updates but I was beginning to breathe a little easier since I knew that my grandma was in good hands. Then, just as the clouds are beginning to clear, I got a text message from one of my grandpas. My grandmother had passed that afternoon. I was sitting on the bus on my way home when I read the message. I dropped my phone and tears fell from my eyes. The world around me stopped. Nothing mattered. I was orphaned..

I don’t remember how I got home. I was in a frenzy of emotions. All I knew was that I needed to get to grandma. That’s when my phone rang. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone but I saw name on the screen and answered. I don’t know why and how but I got a call from the only person whose call mattered at the moment. I was sobbing on the phone and he didn’t know what to say but there was no one else I’d rather talk to.

I got myself together as much as I could and went to my childhood home. I realized on the way that I could no longer call it home. There won’t be anyone to welcome me there and I’ve completely lost the family I’ve only ever known.

I got to the house and saw that my mother was surprised to see me. I didn’t realize I was still crying and she rolled her eyes at me so I had to force myself to stop. I tried to approach her and she was distant, tried to talk to her but she didn’t hear me, she barely even looked at me. She treated me that way the entire time she was in the PH. The only time she was civil to me was when there were other people around. That was the icing on the cake for me. I thought that after last year, I couldn’t possibly feel any more alone than I did. I was wrong. I had no one. Yes, I have friends and relationships but it’s not the same. Realizing that you’ll now have to fight every battle absolutely alone without any safety net whatsoever is not only overwhelming, it shattered me to pieces.

I went through the wake on auto-pilot. I had visits from friends but I felt numb. I was grateful to have friends; I knew that they were the only family I have left so they meant so much more to me. But I needed to grieve for the loss of my biological one. What’s painful and ironic is that even my relatives told me I’m orphaned. That it’s just me now and that I had no one. They kept telling me I’m strong and that I can get through this despite being all alone. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to say. So I said nothing..

We said our final goodbye to Nanay Lucing. I was devastated. I didn’t know where to go from there. I didn’t know what the hell to do with my life. I lacked meaning and direction. Nothing made sense anymore. The dilemma with losing someone is when your own little world stops, the rest of the universe doesn’t. One still need to get up in the morning, go to work and live a life no matter how bleak and empty it is.

I was force to go to work by my boss the same day we said goodbye to Nanay. I don’t remember how I got through the day and the next without sleep and buried in over-flowing work. A colleague stopped me in the middle of my piles of paperwork and pointed something out in his computer. I looked over and sank deeper in misery. My mother had posted something on her social media page that had already been “Liked” by her friends. I’ve been disowned; excruciatingly and very publicly. I stood up from my desk and walked away. I didn’t even bother to look back..