Pending Applications

 

I’ve spent over a week sending out resumes to prospective companies in the hopes of getting a job here in SG. Out of the almost fifty CVs out, I only got eight acknowledgements and zero invitation for an interview. I know that it really will take some time to get a job in my field of expertise as it is a very competitive market and the screening process is stricter than that of what I was used to.

Patience is a skill that I’ve thankfully learned through the years but worrying and waiting still takes its toll. I check my email every five minutes and stare at my mobile phone, waiting for it to ring or get a message. I’ve finished all the work my previous company asked me to complete since my replacement got dismissed, so I’m back to sending more applications and waiting for responses.

The plans I’ve drawn out before we left the PH in currently a work in progress. My parents always remind me to take baby steps as I can’t expect things to come to us in an instant and I am fully accepting of that fact. They are only concern because I’ve been non-stop since we got here. I always say that I’m in no hurry; it’s just that I don’t want to stand still and wait for my world to change as time passes me by. I refuse to go back to feeling helpless. So I do as much as I possibly can with things I have control over, for the rest I’d have to wait. As I’ve said before, patience is not a virtue, it’s a skill. And so another round of waiting begins..

Suck it up!

Boredom is no longer an issue here in SG. The new fad in my horizon is body pain, lack of sleep and exhaustion. There are still no complaints here. I like feeling busy. For some unknown reason, the more work being laid on my plate, the better I feel. I enjoy a challenge; jobs that would make me think, as I find that doing easy tasks day after day makes life monotonous. I have been classified a workaholic (by a professional), that’s why I almost blew my head off when I had to take a break for a couple of months. Even working from home is not stimulating enough for me.

Speaking of which, I’m currently stuck at home trying to finish editing and layout for 3 magazines from my former company. The person they got to replace me got sacked so they called and asked me to complete the editions. It posed for some extra cash so I took advantage of the opportunity.

I still have some worries about getting a job here, as I’ve sent out over 30 CVs and I still haven’t gotten a reply other than acknowledgements of receipts. My mom, dad and Ogot kept reminding me that it’s only been two weeks and it does take time but I can’t help but doubt myself. Self-reservation is washing over me. The voice inside my head saying that I may not be good enough is lingering despite my attempts at being optimistic. I’m confident about my qualifications and am an efficient worker, you can’t ask my references. I am very passionate when it comes to work as I’ve made elaborate plans of the things I want in life and working hard is the way to get there. This is mainly why I’m baffled as to what is going on with me. Perhaps being in a different country where I’m not familiar with the processes and all else in between is what’s rattling me. I just have to hack it and get a better hold of myself. Nothing ever comes easy. I just need to keep in mind that this is what I really want and these are the things I have to go through to get to where I want to be.. =)

The Neglectful Blogger

 

I have been AWOL from my blog for over a week now as our schedules turned chaotic. I had an idea this would happened but I tried to hope that I would still have time to write. The past two weeks was a blur. Airplanes, buses and trains; we've been out and about non-stop since we got back to SG. I’ve got no complaints though, this is what I wanted then and it’s still what I want now. Being here only gave me confidence about decisions I’ve made.

The plans I've been mulling about for months has finally turned into reality. We were able to settle the things we had to before we left the PH. We were working, worrying and running around to finish everything up to the moment we were about to board the plane. Thankfully, despite the chaos, we got it all done.

The first few days were centered on family and making a new list of things to do for the life we want to make. The list was longer than any other one I’ve ever made. So in the spirit of getting the best out of the fresh start we were granted, we got a move on with our plans. Emails were sent and we’ve been through a ton of places. Today, Ogot has an interview and I have to catch up on my writing, among other things.

A new worry has come up in my radar. Job hunting in a new country is difficult to say the least. In addition, my field of work has an elaborate matrix of interviews and exam before I can officially get hired. As much as I don’t want to, I’m beginning to doubt myself. Everyone seems confident with my abilities but me. I’m trying to convince myself that I can do this as I’ve already gone too far to just turn around and go back. I’ve passed the point of no return and I don’t wanna go back anyways.

My mind is still a haze and I’m barely able to put things into words. This attempt is to just let some thoughts spill from my head, because otherwise I may not make it to an actual interview without blabbing about incoherent non sense. So in other words, my entries are back. My outlet remains the same but my world no longer is..

Some Good News

Today was a long one. I’ve been up and out early but at least I was able to finish everything I had planned. Our calendar is full from today ‘till we’re out of the country and we are excited. I still haven’t talked to mom, but only because she hasn’t answered any of my calls yet. I’ll try again later. I can’t wait to tell my mom that we’re bound for SG this Friday. I want to make it a surprise for my little sister and dad so I’m going to ask her to keep things between us for now.

Tomorrow is Ogot’s mom’s birthday and we have another early start. We’ll be running around, trying to fit everything in time and manage not to screw anything up. We need to be a warp speed since we need to accomplish everything in a shorter span than we had it schedule before the delay. So I’m still packing some of our stuff that can already be shoved in our suitcases. The rest would have to wait after the laundry is done.

It’s also essential to buy the new HD video recorder that I have my eyes on for about a month now. Mom and one of my aunts are going to perform in some sort of celebration in less than two weeks. It’s going to be a big production with a huge crowd and I want to record every minute of it. That event is one of the reasons why I had been a wreaked. I already missed Chinese New Year; I don’t want another disappointment to cloud my relationship with my mom.

I’m determined to complete everything on my check list in time and get on with the new start that I’ve been praying for. Things are bound to be more chaotic when we’re overseas but I know it’s worth it. Ogot and I will be able to pursue the careers we’ve been chasing, although it’s going to be a challenge. We’re leaving the comfort of the way that we are accustomed to and that is actually what we’re looking forward to. It’s basically going back to zero. It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time.

The future is finally promising and I’m beginning to be hopeful once more. It’s unbelievably cheesy and if my mind is not too tired to formulate another way of saying it, I would. But since my head can only articulate simple words for my thoughts, this entry would just have to deal.

Best ......

The check list in my head needs a little trimming so I got a move on with all the stuff I have to accomplish. So I started with our luggage. I got them all out and mapped out where to put what. Then I proceeded to sort some of the things we’re bringing as well as those that are unnecessary, therefore will be left behind. I’m almost done with one of the bags and that’s as far as I can go at the moment. Next on the list is to go to the bank and make sure that everything is progressing as it should.

After ticking some things off my checklist, I opted to correspond with friends. I was surprised to get in touch with my best friend since freshman high school. We haven’t talked in a while because of our tumultuous schedules but as we are; we always try to keep in touch and time doesn’t really change our friendship status as best friends. Whenever we meet up, it seemed like no time has passed. He is the easiest person to talk to and he reads me like a book.

And yes, my best friend is a “HE”. Contrary to popular belief, girls and boys can be friends without being further involved. We’ve known each other for almost 13 years now and nothing is tainted. He’s an electronics and communications engineer at a prominent TV station. He’s expertise lies in Math while mine is in English. He is one of my soul mates (Yes, I believe in having multiple soul mates; relate to “Sex and The City”). We have a ton of things in common and yet we’re also different in so many ways. We talk about anything under the sun; work, friends, family, relationships, etc. Nothing is off limits. We are constantly supportive of each other and honest about our opinions. And of course, we never judge. That’s the beauty of our relationship.

I’m not saying that having a close male friend doesn’t bring up some scandal. We are purely innocent but people like to talk, even suggest silly things. We simply brush them off. The only serious issue we are always careful with is when our GF/BF gets jealous. I’ve been in that loop a ton of times now that I’ve developed a protocol. There is no reason for the green-eyed monster to peak so I make clarifications and lay down exactly what we are and that usually clears the air. Great thing about Ogot is he is not insecure. He knows I’m invested in him and he’s confident with our relationship.

With our migration nearby, I thought about the people and things I’d miss. On top of that list is him. There is comfort in knowing that he was always just a phone call away. In a few days he’ll be 1,476 miles away. We can no longer just randomly decide to meet up and get coffee or something to that effect. Those were the days.. But it’s okay. There are plenty of ways to keep in touch and we’ve managed over the years. We’ll make it work. We always had and we always will..

Rattled!

We had a visit from Ogot's brother and his family. It was a pleasant surprise. The house was full and having his two kids around made the place topsy-turvy. There was activity all over the place; kids running around, the kitchen full of food and Ogot trying to chase the children for photo ops. I can't remember the last time our own house was like this. It gave me a tug of jealousy. Their family is really closely knit and up to now I can only hope to have the same relationship with mine.

I'm trying to be patient as I wait for my plans to be realized; which is hopefully, in just a couple of days. But I'm restless with worry that something bad is going to happen. I've knocked on wood so many times that my knuckles are bruised. I should be enjoying the remaining time I have to do just bloody nah, but my thoughts are working non-stop. My mind doesn’t have any off button, no matter how much I wish it did.

But since I’m trying to amend that, I’ve requested that Ogot and I watch “Warm Bodies”; an odd zombie movie that we’ve been waiting for ever since we saw the preview last year. We figured that it would probably get some cuts if we watch it in SG so we opted to watch it while were still here.

The days are passing by fast and we are already feeling the pressure. Ogot expressed how nervous and rattled he is about our future plans while I try to hide how scared I am. There are too many emotions occupying my being and they’re all mixed. But since we can’t both be holding a paper bag and breathing into them, I decided to bolt mine in for a while so I can think clear.

About five more days to go, hoping and praying that everything goes as planned. I’m keeping my fingers crossed..

Recovering..

After months of doubting myself and the future that was ahead, I’m able to breath. I’m trying to get my hopes up but the negativity that had been a blanket to my misery is still looming over me. The other shoe is poised to drop at any moment and I’m trying to anticipate it.  I still want to go through with my plans and I still badly need a fresh start anywhere but here. The only dilemma is, now I’m scared. I don’t know where it came from but I am. I’m beginning to have reservations about my survival skills away from my comfort zone, although that is exactly what I want. Someplace away from the environment I’m used to, because let’s face it; if it gets any worse than this then I’m off to the loony bin.

I haven’t informed my mom of the progress of our delayed plans as I still have some responsibilities to accomplish first. Tomorrow is Chinese New Year which we were supposed to spend this with them. We should have arrived yesterday if our original plans did not fall through; we’d have had dinner with my family last night. And if we were able to realize those plans, we’d probably out right now, spending time with the family. We could have spent Chinese New Year together for the first time but that is that. Could. Would. Should.

Now that those sentiments have been said, I can put that behind me. I’m just looking forward to spending time with them as soon as possible. Hopefully we’ll be able to do that in a week. We’ve planned out our budget and made a list of things to do. We still need to wait for a couple of days to start but at least we’re on our way to something other than waiting for our world to change.

Ogot has a couple of issues to sort out too. It is also an internal predicament like mine so all we can do is provide each other with moral support. It’s one of the great things about our relationship; we are close with spaces. We manage to deal with personal issue without being suffocated by the others personal opinion. There are no demands and nagging as to what the other should do with regard to their problem, yet things are always open for discussion. There is no pressure and that freedom we have does not interfere with the closeness of our relationship. We are not perfect but we manage. As of today, the list we’ve made of things to do before we leave is about a mile long and since we have personal things to sort out first, we’d only have around two days to complete them. It’s exhilarating. We obviously thrive under pressure which was why these past few weeks were a bit mind numbing for us.

The days I was hoping for now have a glimpse of reality. Only time will tell if everything will fall into place..

Finally!!

On the day I was dreading to come.. The day I used to look forward to when I was still hopeful then became the cause for my depression as my plans withered as it inched closer..

I woke up feeling awful. I had a headache caused by a woman’s monthly nightmare, something I’d simply have to deal with. I was still in a zombie state when I checked my phones as usual, just to see if there I got any interesting message. I came around with a jolt! I finally got a message from the powers that be and received the best possible news. The only dilemma was I only had 3 hours to get to where I was called in for. So I took a quick and very cold shower then high-tailed it to the office. I barely got there in time plus there was still a ton of paperwork to be completed. I encountered some difficulties but I was desperate to end my drought. I was exhausted by I was able to finish everything, although I was a heck of a buzzer-beater. I stumbled and did a couple of stupid things, only time will tell if I was able rescue myself from this rut. I've regained some of my optimism; I’m also beginning to be hopeful again. However, there is still that plaguing feeling in the back of my mind that this may be too good to be true. I’m trying to suck it up.

I was exhausted when I got home plus unbelievably famished after skipping breakfast and lunch. Thankfully, Ogot was to the rescue. I ate like a little monster then took a breath and got some rest. While my muscles ached, I finally got some time to stop and think. If everything falls into place, I've decided to push play on the plans that we've had to postpone. There are a lot of things to do but I think we can manage to pull it together.

Ogot as always is very positive and giddy excited. It’s almost contagious. But I still have my guard up. It will probably stay up until I’m on the plane to SG. My mind is still not working as it should and I'm tired to the bone at the moment. It's looking to be slow weekend as I need rest. Things are bound to be a bit chaotic in a couple of days but in a good way. Something I’m really looking forward to. So I need a little break to prepare. I got the partial answer to my prayers and I’m thankful. Just a couple more hurdles to go..

One Lazy Afternoon

Supposed Post Date: 02-07-13

In an effort to keep my thoughts from drifting to the many things that are bothering me and also to keep Ogot from being bored out of his mind, I suggested that we do an impromptu photo shoot to explore his new camera's settings. So we rummaged through my closet, trying to find creative but simple outfits. We we're able to find a couple of ensemble that didn’t want to make me vomit, thankfully. Then we went around the house taking a ton of pictures, did a couple of clothing changes. We eventually got tired and there was editing to do on Ogot's part so we called it a day.

We had fun and got tons of positive responses when we posted the photos online. That was nice. I continued to write for the rest of the day to avoid a confrontation with the nagging feeling that the days are passing while I remain stagnant. Tomorrow was supposed to be our flight day but that was that. It will pass as is and I’d have to sit and watch it go by. I guess I’m just gonna have to find something a lot more challenging to do tomorrow to avoid a breakdown..

Time Travels in Just One Direction

As I was trying to occupy my time re-reading the January 2012 edition of Reader’s Digest, I came across an article that froze my train of thought. It was written by J.H. Hyun under the Voice section of the magazine. The title was; “Time Travels in Just One Direction”.

The topic essentially revolves around the choices he has made in favor of spending time with his wife and new born son. As the message is; once precious memories and days are gone, they will never return. The notion is simple and irrevocably true, which is why it made so much impact on me. Especially now that all I can do is wait for my world to change.

I’m unmoving as the days pass and trying to occupy my time with menial activities does not make up for the fact that I’m unable to accomplish any of my goals nor get my life together in a manner that is acceptable to me. To make clarifications, I did not set extraordinarily high expectations for myself. My hopes were modest but the universe may not be in favor of my willingness to move on from the misery I’m currently stuck in.

It’s the same sentiments over and over. It has now become redundant. But after reading the slap-in-my-face article, I’ve decided to let it be. Time doesn’t give a crap about how much waiting I’m supposed to be doing and how much desolation I’m in. It will move as it is and I’ll just have to deal with it. Suffering is part of everybody’s life and there is no excuse to wallow even if there is nothing one can do about it for the meantime. I’m currently trying to find more meaningful things to do with my sabbatical (ever so positively putting it).

I know I’m fooling myself with all this delusions but what else is there to do? It’s hard to be positive but being negative is such a cliché, given my situation. So the waiting continues and I try to subjugate this life interval by finding significant things to do. Wish me luck!

Jump off the Bridge

I'm really close to my breaking point. So to avoid further damage, as well as to complete a writing assignment, Ogot and I went out to see the modern interpretation of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. After which we had coffee at one of my favorite shops to talk about the things we we're supposed to do and the things we should do since our initial plans fell through.

I've finished and submitted the movie review and now I'm back to where I was. I talked to my mom last night about the forthcoming delay of our migration and my heart broke when I heard her cry. I know that she is disappointed despite what she says. I was devastated. I'm still pushing for my plans to at least be realized but I have things to take care of apart from the fact that the powers that be have shut me out.

I'm looking for the exit door out of this tumultuous hell but there is none. I'm trapped with very few options in hand. I knew who I was before this year started. I had a clear sense of how I'd get my life together and what I have to do to obtain the future I wanted for myself. But I've changed I few times since then. I did not expect the volume of hindrance life was gonna throw at me; to the point that it now feels as if the universe doesn't want me to move on. So now I'm not sure of what I am to be anymore.. It's beyond pathetic.

Deferred..

Apart from the waiting that I face because the powers that be have decided to shut me off at the moment, I have other pending responsibilities to take care of. I have no idea when the powers that be will get the memo, or if they will ever respond to end my misery. As for my obligations, I’m only more than willing to comply with what’s needed to be done, although I have no knowledge of the specifics yet.

The most depressing part of my day was when I sent my mom a message informing her of the delay of our plans. I know I should call her but hearing her disappointment about the postponement for said plans is bound to push me off the edge of my sanity. They've expressed their excitement as we were supposed to be with them this coming Chinese New Year but that dream is all but gone now. I’ve reached a new depth in my pool of despair. I’m overflowing with grief and there is nowhere else to put it. I can’t think of anymore distraction to help.

I am asked to make a film review for the new interpretation of “Hansel and Gretel” but I’m not sure how I’ll be able to make an acceptable assessment when my mind is reeling with thoughts of desolation. I of course have no other choice in the matter but to try, I need the dough.

I’m growing restless as time passes swiftly. Helplessness is very unbecoming for me and yet I am stranded. I can only do so little when all I want is to get these over with and just move to the life I wish to build for myself. That life is looking difficult to achieve, it’s seem almost impossible now. And of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..

No Rest for the Wicked

Restless.. Sleepless..

My frustrations have reached a higher level. I can no longer get a wink. My mind is full of uncertainties. The deadline for my plans is in four days and it's looking impossible to accomplish. Disappointment is looming over my head.

Today I went to visit the most important person in my life, along with other relatives, to pay our respects. If there was anyone who can comfort me these days, it would have been him. We would simply talk it out and he always had the right words to make me feel safe. Those words are no longer with me.. The hugs I long for are now only present in my dreams. I miss him everyday and will love him forever.. And I can't say anymore because it hurts too much..

We spent the rest of the day taking care of my responsibilities at home. The bed I had made for grandma had been delivered so we stopped by the mall to by a new mattress and pillows. Also ordered a couple of pizzas and something for grandpa then we high-tailed it home to get everything in order. It was a pleasant visit but we were still tired from the weekend outing so we didn't stay long.

After grandma's, we were off to the mall again for a couple of errands then we were home bound. It's been days since we went for a drive so it was nice to be out just by ourselves, especially since we had a fight the night before that just got resolved this morning with a swift apology.

I've kept myself busy but it didn't helped one bit with the troubles that are plaguing me to no end. The message I got from my mom made me feel worse. It was a punch in the gut. Reality is laughing at my face. My hopes to migrate and be with family for a fresh start seem that it won't see the light of day. I will still be waiting because there is nothing else I can do. Accomplishing any of my goals has now become a fantasy. I've become hopeless.. And misery won't let me be..

Night After

02/03/2013 – 11:20PM

I’m currently having a fight with Ogot. That is not a good way to get through these tumultuous times. I was nursing a headache when we got home so after getting our stuff in order, I slept it off. That worked a bit so I joined hubby upstairs while he starter editing pictures. Things were going as usual until a tantrum exploded out of nowhere. I don’t really care for being spoken to in harsh manners or getting looked at inhospitably when I’ve done nothing out of the ordinary.

So I’m secluding myself in the dining room, typing angrily at my innocent keyboard. Oh well, shit happens. What I’m wondering is why crap is happening so much these days I can barely keep up. Tomorrow is another day of doubt and mulling about the future that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere near where I hope for. That’s not something I want to look forward to. But that is that and I don’t really have other options apart from waiting at the moment. I’m disbelieving of my ability to figure something else out. I don’t know when I stopped believing, I just know I’m worn down by all the uncertainties that I’m currently facing.

Words are spilling out of my head and trying to get them in an understandable order is beginning to be a challenge and If can’t formulate coherent sentences than I’m in really big trouble. The clutter, frustrations and worries stuck in my mind is one thing; it’s another to be completely consumed by it all. It’s bad enough that I’m about to lose my sanity but having been defeated by all this sounds really pathetic. I feel pathetic too and helpless, and a ton of other senseless things that is driving me nuts! I’m sure somewhere lays a room, complete with a straight jacket and chains with my name on it, just waiting for me to crack. So what will come first; the realization of my plans for the future or my surrender to insanity??

Afternoon After

02/03/2013 – 1:40PM

We are on our way home from out of town, tired but had fun. My muscles are sore from swimming all night until noon this morning, with only meals and three hours of sleep for a break. It was not as good a distraction as I’d hope it would be but nonetheless, it helped. Going back home to the chaos that is the reality of my life is dreadful. I had almost two days of break. That should suffice.

Road trips are always fascinating to me, whether it’s a long drive or there’s traffic or whatnot. I have a habit of sitting by the car door to look at the things and people we pass by. It keeps me preoccupied and I can trick my mind into thinking about very random things rather than wallow in the obstructions of my future endeavors.

I tend to make up stories in my head about the people and objects I see. We’ll I tend to do that anywhere actually; while sitting at a coffee shop, waiting in line in the movies, even when just looking outside our bedroom window. That is every time I want to focus on other people instead of myself.

There is something amusing about figuring out what type of person one just occasionally encounters from afar. I’m not trying to judge a book by its cover or anything like that. What I do is creating a different reality. It’s pure fiction and is no reflection of the actual person. It’s an upgrade from talking to one’s self, which people normally frown upon.

Now, I’m aware that I’m babbling about random things such as people watching. The reason is pretty obvious. I’m trying, yet again, to distract myself. I keep myself busy with sometimes idiotic thoughts to avoid the inevitable realization that my life is currently on pause while time, very uncooperative as always, continuously moves. I may make sense to some people and no to some. But this blog was not intended for the benefit of the reader, as I’m safe in knowing no one really bothers to read this, nor care what I thought. (That was not bitter by the way, but rather reassuring.) This is my outlet which I obviously need nowadays. It helps a little I suppose. I’m still typing away at my laptop right??

Morning After

02/03/2013 – 7:20AM

We're still on vacation and I did not wake up to a good start. Had about three hours of sleep and my body hurts from all the swimming we did the night before. I'm not feeling well and because of that, I'm grumpy. But it's not bound to last long. I'm trying to eat my way to a better mood. Thankfully, the morning coffee and cigarette helped a little. Despite the booze and lack of sleep though, everyone else is perky and doing a lot better that I am. It seems I'm no longer the hard partier that I used to be. Good for me. Or maybe it's a fluke..

The booze didn't do anything for me and I'm used to the absence of sleep. I'm guessing the cantankerous disposition this morning is caused mainly by my frustrations pecking at me. My mind is still a clutter of worries and thoughts about my bleak future. Let's just say it's hard to be optimistic in the morning. Something about the sun rising from the horizon makes me think that the new start I've been hoping for may be a joke. All this waiting has turned me cynical.

For right now I will drown my worries in the pool, while we still have time. Try to tire myself out 'till I can't move, let alone drive myself to insanity by my thoughts. Aching muscles should be a great distraction or at least I hope it is..

I’m a Mess

A cluttered mind can lead to insanity and mine is all but organized. My frustrations are eating me up in a way that I can no longer control and I’m only a few moments from pulling my hair out, banging my head against the wall or drinking ‘till I need subtitles to be understood. They say there is a thin line between genius and insanity; I’m beginning to wonder if I’m that smart that I am able to cross that line. Now for those who are starting to think I’m conceited, hold your horses. The previous statement was a joke.

I don’t want to be unique, unlike everybody else. I crave for normalcy. I've been eccentric and different all my life in most aspects that it has become a cliché to me. I know that it is a very vague concept because I am aware that there is really no definition of what is normal. It is merely what the majority of people living in your particular society are. Those people who look at you with disdain when they see that you dip your Oreos in peanut butter, the peeps that cut their eyes at you when you ask for four shots of espresso with your macchiato, and the bible thumpers whose eyes get huge when you tell them that you’re no longer a virgin. They are the ones that define what’s normal. And I’m not saying I want to be like them, far from it. What I want is less attention from them. Live in a way that they won’t comment on every move I make. That is what I want.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. I am a disarray of confusion and a cloud of misery. I've learned not to care of what everybody else thinks but I envy those who can think straight and have fewer worries than I do. To clarify, I’m not ungrateful of what I have. I make do and I know that there are people who are in deeper turmoil than I am. What I have a hard time understanding is why it seems that they are able to manage their burdens a lot better than I can. People who are in worse shape than I am still look more together. What’s up with that??

When I was still juggling college and work, I contemplated being an alcoholic. A friend and I managed to drink every night ‘till the sun rises despite our crazy schedules. It didn't stick. I came to a point where I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I drink. I was funny, amusing and frustrating all at the time. So that was the end of that thought.

I still don’t have a solution to this dilemma. If I figure it out I’d write a book and sell it to those just like me, for I’m sure they’re out there. For now though, I struggle with my mind; fighting the urge to have a nervous breakdown that is caused by the problems that are piling up in my head, finding the exit door to get out of this hell hole that I’m in and trying to get my life in some order that would actually let me live.. This borderline personality is taking its toll and I don’t have exact change..

On the Road Pt. 3

02/02/2013 9:30PM

Given that I've written three blog entries in less than a twelve hour period, I suppose you can get a glimpse of how this vacation is going. It’s not that I’m not having fun, because I sincerely am enjoying myself and the company of Ogot’s family. I also got my cardio on in the pool so that’s a plus. I’m blogging not because I’m ungrateful for this trip but rather because there are so many things running through my mind at the same time that I need to get some of them out before I lose my sanity.

Ogot’s family is great. They are all wonderful people, very understanding, concerned and unbelievably hospital. I was never big on parental guidance before Mommy Lot (Ogot’s mom). She is always mindful of everyone in her family, super hardworking, accommodating and the epitome of a loving mother. Her concern for my well-being is heart-warming. I’ll forever be appreciative of how she treats me, which is almost like one of her own.

Ogot’s dad and siblings on the other hand, are also remarkable. They are always so nice to me that I've never felt out of place. Which is why despite all the worries I burden myself with, their company is always welcomed. From gadgets to jokes, from his younger brother’s plans for college to relationships, there are few topics that are off limits. Everyone is included and consulted in plans and no one is left out. Their family is not flawless but it’s so close to perfection that it’s enviable.

Now Ogot’s family may have triggered feelings of the things I missed out due to my unconventional upbringing (to say the least) but I’m happy with what I got. Which is why moving away is so important to me. We are planning to go to SG which is where my parents and sister are. The fresh start I want includes reconnecting with my family whom I rarely see. Because even though we talk over the phone, send messages via FB and text, it’s not enough. My relationship with my family is depreciated by distance and I want to amend that. I know I’m a little old to crave for such normalcy since I grew up with the eccentric way of living but that void is with me everywhere. The only reason I never left was because of my brother, and now that he’s no longer with me the void grew larger. Everywhere and everything here reminds me of the reason why I’ll never be whole again. That is why I've been obsessing about moving away and trying to get a new start. So I’m still praying, pining and pleading..

Please hear me.. I need help..

On the Road Pt. 2

02/02/2013 6:00PM

So we finally got to Laguna. Dinner was a bit savage as we were starving, having only eaten junk food on the way. The place was okay. Hot spring water was calming. But I still can’t shake the weary thoughts running through my head. I brain doesn't have a shutdown button so it’s continually bother by contemplation of the days that are swiftly passing while I stand still watching it go by. The waiting is unbearable now and paranoia is seeping in. Will I ever be able to start anew? Are my plans ever going to see the light of reality? Is the dream of leaving behind the tragedies of my life ever going to be realized?

I’m not so sure anymore..

Still I wait, because there is nothing else I can do. I've done all can and being hopeful is starting to feel pathetic. Perhaps the only good thing now is that I can still keep a straight face. I laugh on cue and I can still talk with sense. I still appreciate the little things and I enjoy what people would. But life looks normal from the outside but it’s an entirely different story inside..

On the Road Pt. 1

02/02/2013 2:00PM

It’s the weekend and for a change, we’re going out of town. We've been planning for this trip the entire week, while simultaneously worrying about the future; that is currently looking bleaker by the minute.

The “powers that be” are officially ignoring me. I've gotten no response to any of my inquiry, whether by phone or text. I've resorted to contacting the people who had connections to the “powers that be” and I've successfully gotten nowhere. I’m pathetic and terribly worried that my plans will be thrown in the back burner. I’m not a super religious person but I’m praying so hard for a break. The Big Guy upstairs is not responding yet so I’m trying to keep myself together, so far I’m not doing a good job at that. I’m close to pulling my hair out and screaming against my pillow no longer help with reducing my frustrations. However, I’m still able to save face so I haven’t reached my breaking point yet. I guess it’s always darker before it turns absolutely pitch black..

We are currently driving to a hot spring resort in Laguna that I found via FB. This trip is supposed to be an outing for Ogot’s family before we head off to a distant place but even though those plans are looking dreary, we haven’t got the heart to broadcast it. Telling people of the pending impossibility of our plans will only make it real and we are still hoping that things push through. A delay would be acceptable as long as I’m able to fulfill certain appointments, otherwise, it would not only break my heart but I’ll also be a major disappointment to someone I don’t want to let down.

I’m trouble by all this things whilst sitting in this van and going towards what is supposed to be an enjoyable outing. I’m not saying that I wouldn't participate it the fun, I’m not a hypocrite. I badly need a distraction and this trip is better than anything else I've tried so far. Besides, I've mastered the art of keeping things bottled up so this shouldn't be much of a stretch. I genuinely want to have a good time, if I could only shut my mind off and stop obsessing about the things that should be. I’m trying but perhaps I should try harder.

They say that denial is a great healer and I've been nagged by a dear friend to try it, but deluding myself that everything is or will be all okay seem too long of a shot to be believable to me. I’m what people used to call an eternal pessimist. I don’t mean to be and frankly I don’t want to be. I've managed to get over that trait but lately, it’s been rearing its ugly head. As misery would have it, I unfortunately don’t know how to turn from here. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I desperately need a fresh start and I can’t do it here. I want to hit the reset button. Everything has been set and carefully planned. I’m just waiting for an answer to a question that is eluding me. I just need one more thing and we’ll be off. I’m still waiting..