Click!

I'm still waiting for my world to change. The frustration is seeping in again. The deadline is near and I have nothing much to show for it. It sucks on so many levels I can't properly express it with words. The powers that be is taking their time with my request and I'm losing a little faith. Went to church today and prayed.

I'm not really a fan of organized religion, although I was baptized a Roman Catholic. However, I firmly believe in God. I don't really know how to define or explain or relationship but it's there. And lately, a new beginning is the only I've been asking him. It's the only thing I'm looking forward to and frankly, badly needing. I can only hope that the day I'm desperately waiting for doesn't just pass me by with nothing on it. I hope, I pray, I pine, I plea..

On a less depressing subject.. Ogot and I decided to go out to buy his long overdue birthday gift. I was hesitant for a bit because every move I make nowadays is calculated. But I made a promise and I had every intention to deliver. So we bought a Canon EOS 600D DSLR. It's a bit steep but hubby's face after the purchase made it worth even penny. It's really fun to watch him fiddle around with the settings and get a better feel of the camera. He's an aspiring photographer and he's got the talent for it, I'm more than glad to support his passion. Despite my head being cluttered by so many things, regardless of my frustrations eating me up and in spite of all my troubles, I'm genuinely happy for my hubby..

Lazy Day

We've been going at it non-stop for a couple of days now and while it's great to be busy, we needed a break. So we decided to stay home. To fill my time I caught up with my writing, updated my blog while Ogot edited and uploaded pictures from the days before. It was a slow day but not to the point of boredom.

Ogot's mom was not feeling okay so she stayed home with us. After working up an appetite from working on my computer, I decided to order some pizza over the internet to test my Shakey's card. After about 15 mins, I got a call confirming my order. Gotta love the internet.

There's only three of us in the house but we got 2 large boxes of pizzas plus some cheesy garlic bread 'cause it's one of my fave. We all talked over the meal and just hang back. Before we knew it, only four slices remained. We were able to gobble up the order without noticing it. It was funny.

Now there is still a lot to write and a lot of things to do so even our lazy day is a tad busy. But it's okay, we still have a couple of days before we are off. That should give us enough time to finish everything we've planned. That is if the powers that be already got my memo. Still waiting.. Still trying to be hopeful..

Happy Friends

Supposed Post Date: 01-27-13

After exchanging correspondence via Facebook with my gay friends, we finally got our schedules in sync and was able to have dinner and drinks. What I love most about my happy friends is that when we get together, it seems like no time has passed. Everything feels so natural, we talk as if we see each other everyday and they always know how to comfort me despite all the chaos that life brings. They are honest, straight forward and true, there was nothing more I could ask for in friends.

We settled in a restaurant/bar and at some point, even jammed with the acoustics. We got all the serious talk done and settled with then just sat back, relaxed, ate a ton of food that would equal our body weight and laughed our way through the evening. No story was off-limits, from funnies to the disgusting, to the abnormal and over the top crazy. It was great.

Hubby and I told them about migrating and getting a fresh start some place else and not only were they supportive, they've already schedule a visit. In addition, they've expressed that they are also looking into soaking in a new environment, they've made plans of coming with eventually so that we can all get the new beginning we all badly need. And because we all know that moving to a different country is unbelievably difficult, we figured we could use some support. We've been looking for the same things, so we might as well do it together. Even though we are not going there at the same time, we have a bit of a head start, the thought of having friends around surely makes all the difference.

So we continued to talk for hours about everything under the stars well into midnight. We discussed about the future and goofed around like kids. It was great. I forgot the last time I had that much fun. It was nice to be reminded..

3rd Party

Supposed Post Date: 01-25-13

It's been a long day but it's nice to be busy. After spending the morning getting prepared, we spent lunch 'till late afternoon on the 1st birthday party of hubby's nephew. Since the party was held in "Fun-Time" we opted to get in touch with the child in us and hit the quirky arcade games and collected tickets. After spending over P200 at P5/token, we gathered around 180 tickets. It sounds a lot of tickets but we only managed to exchange it for popcorn and a bread stick. Arcades have changed a ton since I was a kid. Oh well..

After getting home from the party, we prepped for our next outing which was to meet with my college friends. Now I'm the only girl in our solid group of 5 and 2 of those guys were my ex. It sounds complicated when I tell people that but it's really no big deal to us. We all managed to be good friends despite whatever it was that happened in the past. My issue with them recently was that for a couple of years now, they haven't really been there for me, including the devastation that was 2012. They were all MIA, busy with life and their respective girlfriends. I understood all that but I was hurt. What was expected?? I'm human.

So we met up for dinner, coffee plus drinks and got caught up a bit, laughed hard and talked about life. All was for forgotten and it was okay. I've mentioned that I want to migrate and we (hubby and I) are going through with the plans, so spending time with friends is a big deal to me. But I as I was sitting at the coffee shop, looking around my college friends, listen to them joke around and have fun, I got bummed out. It wasn't because I was leaving and it will take a while for me to see them again. I was because I know that it wouldn't make any impact. When I leave it won't matter. I wouldn't even be missed..

It sounds depressing but I know it to be true. Years have passed and no one really bothered to call or send a message asking me to come to one of their hang-outs. I never got a solid response to my offers of getting together either. Their lives have moved on without a thought of me and maybe that's okay. We are still friends, I think, well at least in my mind we are, but it's not the same. We can't go back to how we were and the gap seem to be too wide to seal. At least I know they're happy. And as long as they're happy, I'm.....

I Miss Me..

Supposed Post Date: 01-24-13

I was up late at night and caught a friend online by chance. Mike and I have known each other for years and he can read me like a book. We have the same wave length and we like the same things. If he wasn't gay we'd probably have dated at some point. We both needed time to catch up and get a break from our humdrum lives, and since he wanted my connections to set up a party, we opted to meet the following night.

So we talked about anything under the sun. We haven't really been in touch for a while and haven't really acknowledged the changes that have been happening for the past year. Taking the time to stop, step back and look at your life makes one realize the changes that you didn't bother to notice in yourself.

We used to be care-free, drinking every night, partying all day and living for the moment. Those days have long gone. Now we occupy ourselves with work and responsibilities. Bothered with relationships and giving that we forget about ourselves in the process. We obsess about the future and the things we ought to have accomplished. We changed and we missed the people we were. We needed a break.

So we grabbed a bottle and tried to relive the old days even for just one night. It was nice but at the back of our minds we know that it's not gonna last. We still had to go back to our semi-boring reality. We tried to talk things out and help each other got through whatever it was that we were facing. I know it's not a lot but knowing that someone else is going through what you are is reassuring. Having that someone be a friend is a one in a million shot that can never be comprehensible. We're still lucky. We can't complain because it's really never as bad as we make it to be and to top it of, we have each other.. We'll be fine, we hope..

Coffeedence

Right about the time I was ready to go berserk, just before my head explode, the door to my plans unlocked. It didn't open but I least now I can turn the knob and try to push.

Woke up early today hoping to catch a break. Forced myself to push the call button on my phone to the "powers that be". I finally got a reply asking me to go to the office and collect my due diligence. So I dragged myself out of bed and left the house feeling a little hopeful but trying to prepare for a disaster (as most of my trips to the office often end up that way).

The POC was on break when we got there, we being me and hubby as he volunteered to come with me. To kill time, we went to one of my favorite coffee shops and had breakfast. I was apparently hungry and accidentally snorted the bagels on my plate. I called my mom to catch up since I was feeling guilty for not being in touch for weeks now and I didn't want them to be upset. We had a good talk, just the usual hullabaloo. I was feeling better after a tall glass of coffee and was ready to face the dragon that was the client's POC.

I was able to talk to the POC without scrambling for words, probably because of the coffee, but got disappointed as I didn't receive the amount I was supposed to get. I was expected to wait some more. That was no surprise to me as I was expecting the worse and they always do crap like this. So the waiting continues.. I think I can manage to hold it together 'till then.

For now, at least, I can fulfill my responsibilities. I will worry about my life some other time..

A way to get by..

I've been writing non-stop to distract myself from my overflowing frustrations and it finally paid off a couple of hours ago. I decided to get out of the house despite my migraine in the hopes of relieving it with some fresh air. It didn't work but I was able to check my ATM card and I apparently got payment for some of the articles I've made. I wasn't expecting it for a couple of days and I just checked my card for no reason. It's not a lot but at least I'm not skint anymore.

I still need to get an update from the "powers that be" in order to go through with my planned migration and I'm planning to bug the POC everyday starting tomorrow until I get an answer. I need at least an ETA or I might snap.

My defense mechanism is up again because of everything that's happened which means I've been bolting it all in. I tried looking for emotional support from friends but it's been a disappointing endeavor. My college friends have not been able to free up any time for a couple of years now mainly because of their girlfriends, a problem with the only girl in the group. I've tried to make contact but I guess I'm just not part of their world anymore. My happily gay friends are more accommodating but our schedules are not as helpful. I've never been known to share my troubles with family so apart from hubby, whom I don't wanna get worked up with all my frustrations, there's no one. Now this is not new to me. It's been this way ever since and I get by. My brother was the one who always comforted me, he need not know exactly what was bothering me, he was just always there. Now I no longer have that and it only makes me even more irrevocably depressed. There is nothing more I can do about how life should have been and I may want to bang my head against the wall about 5-10 times a day but it is what it is.

I'm growing cynical day-by-day and even though I'm thankful that I was able to get a little something out of my work, it still doesn't even come close to compensating the hell I'm currently in. If it weren't for hubby I won't have been able to keep up with all this sh*t. There is no door marked "exit", no shortcut to the answers, no arrows to point me to the right direction and certainly no "skip to the end" button to push. Whether I accept the things that are happening, life is shoving it down my throat. The only option is to buck up and take whatever the frack life decides to hand me without elaborate complaints. I understand letting off some steam but wallowing in self-pity is pointless and unhelpful. Because if life is unfair to everyone, doesn't that make life fair??

Migraine

Life is not as I hope it would be. Today is hubby's birthday and as I've previously mention, there was a big vacation plan that got demoted to a movie and dinner at home. And just when I thought things can't get worse, it does.

I have a massive migraine, from this morning 'till now. Hubby was also not feeling well. As a consolation, we were able to go to church early this morning, but we were both feeling so bad by the end of the mass that we skipped the movie date and just stayed home the entire day. I felt a little better by the afternoon but Ogot was determined to stay home. It was pretty obvious he really didn't wanna go anywhere in the first place. And since it's his birthday, my hands are tied. It was the right call anyways since my migraine decided to come rushing back with intensity.

I made a call to the "powers that be" and someone finally picked-up. Problem is, they don't have a clear answer yet. I got an assurance that they would check but that was the last I heard from the POC. Nothing seems to be going my way. My frustrations have reached a new level and I'm about to pull my hair out from stress. I think that's what induced my migraine. My emotional turmoil has translated to physical torture. I'm about to lose my mind, on the brink of a meltdown and in need of some serious help. But there is no help in sight. And that is my cross to bare..

Ruined!!

I was supposed to be in HK today, able to enjoy the flight, checked in at a fairly pleasant hotel and would now probably be having dinner at a fine dining restaurant while waiting for midnight to strike so I could greet my hubby a happy birthday. We would then get some rest and prepare to go to Disney Land HK and spend the day enjoying the rides and the scenery of the city. Possibly get a spa treatment and a little shopping before going back to the PH. 

The back-up trip was supposed to be in Boracay, sipping drinks by the beach and night swimming. Hitting the bars, walking around and exploring the island. All in all just spend a relax and laid back vacation.

Those were the plans..

But instead we're stuck at home doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. The very definition of insanity. The memo still hasn't been received by the powers that be. The pathetic thing is that I can't even get a reply for my inquisitions. Things are looking bleaker by the minute. We have demoted our plans from a 3-day vacation to movie out and dinner at home. It's just sad and I'm officially on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

My frustrations are eating me up. I'm trying my best to be patient but I'm failing miserably. I'm told that I should distract myself, but with what?? There is nothing to do apart from our usual routine and I don't have the resources to get myself out of this rut yet. So for now, all I can do is type angrily at my keyboard and find the will to hope for the best. Because I'm beginning to lose it and if I could get a grip on reality, I'd choke it!!

Waiting in vain..

The days are breezing by and I'm stuck in nowhere land. My frustration is eating me up. Work is the only thing that has a sense of normalcy but that has a forthcoming expiration and my plans thereafter seem to be crumbling by the minute.

Just to clarify, I'm not deliberately standing still while watching time fly, not doing anything with my life, nor am I throwing it away. I've made elaborate plans on what I was to do to get my life as together as it possibly can but circumstances, it seem, won't allow it. I wanted to travel and move to a different country because anywhere is better than here. The shadow of the tragedy is haunting me and I don't need a reminder of how life was supposed to be. The migration date is looming and I don't have my resources together yet. I'm beginning to feel hopeless but I'm gonna leave either way. Despite a possible delay I will refuse to let go of that escape.

I know the term "escape" sounds cowardly but that doesn't mean I'm leaving behind my responsibilities. That is the last thing I would do. I know there are certain things to be taken care of and I'm not irresponsible. I will not turn my back to them..even the memories, no matter how painful and devastating they may be. By "escape" I merely mean a different atmosphere. I badly need a new start and anywhere but here seems just the place to have it.

So I'm waiting for my world to change, an opportunity to start over, to get a new perspective and get my life in order. Here's to hoping..

I will never be whole again..

I don't have a normal family to say the least..

My family would not approve of the statement above nor can they refute it. I grew up with my grandma with the only real family I had, my brother. And as part of the devastation that is 2012 he had gone to a better place. He was and still is my best friend and only brother. Now I will not go into the details of the worst time of my life. All I can say is that I miss him everyday. Nothing is the same. The world looks bleak and the light at the end of the tunnel has disintegrated.

There are no words that would sufficiently describe how I feel, this is a meager effort to do so. There is no description to the pain and emptiness that will forever be inside me. My eyes are dead, my skin is numb, my smiles are empty, my laugh is forced, the person I was is non-existent and my life is ruined. I am broken..damaged..and I will never be whole again.

I have avoided talking about what happened because the more people acknowledge it, the more it made things real. I didn't want to accept it because it would be admitting that the only person who really knows me, the only person who was always there no matter what, the only one who can make me feel better however pathetic my life is and has loved me for whatever I am..is not with me anymore.

I can no longer talk to him about anything under the sun, we can't go to movies and criticize the work, we cannot share and swap books nor recommend games and songs, he will no longer be able to give me feedback on my written works, we can't bitch about work and life to each other, I can no longer feel the hugs and kisses that he is always so generous to give, I can no longer feel his arms around my shoulder and whisper assurance to my life decisions. A part of myself that I love has gone with him.

I have never felt so lost, so much in pain and unbelievably devastated. I can still hear the phone call that ruined my life. I have an imprint of the day that had changed my life and turned it upside down. August 8, 2012 was the day the sun set, and it has never risen since then.

I will never get over this, I know that and I don't want to anyway. All I have now are memories. From our playing in the backyard to talking about tomorrows. We used to plan our individual futures. We were supposed to build homes side by side, he was supposed to walk me down the aisle and give me away on my wedding. We were supposed to watch our children grow while smoking and drinking beer on the porch. But those days won't come. Those visions will never see the light of reality. And these tears will never dry. There is no recovery from losing him. People say that he's watching over us in a better place and I know he does. But I would give up everything just to have him back. I would take his place any day. I would rather it have been me than him.

I love you forever Kuya.. No words could ever describe just how much..

The world may not have ended on Dec. 21, 2012.. But mine sure did long before the date itself..

Pathetic!

You know you're pathetic when the only one you can talk to is your computer. Spending the afternoon typing away and being eaten up by frustration is just another low for me. Since this morning when I started blogging my thoughts they decided to spill out of my head. Now there are too many things running in my head making me even more confused, thus defeating the purpose of trying to figure things out.

I'm stuck, unable to do anything or make any of my plans happen. Then a thought came to mind. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just go back to the times when things were much simple? I'm not saying I wanna go to the years before my time but rather to go back to high-school. Unlike most people HS was not a nightmare for me. It was difficult but the "me" that was then and the "me" that is now are completely different people. I am not the person I thought I would be and I miss the bright-eyed, active and hopeful me of the past.

I know it is impossible and "what if's" are a waste of time, but when you don't have anything interesting going on  and you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown what else is there to do but let your mind roam free. There are only so many relevant things you can ponder on and fantasizing about the future seems more pathetic. Forming "what is to be" is a lot more disappointing and depressing to me.

So I'm sitting here trying to keep my mind distracted to avoid facing the inevitable reality that I'm going nowhere at my current state and I can't do anything about it yet, because the resources I was supposed to have is still pending. The waiting is the most painful part. I'm beginning to get hopeless. How much longer am I gonna be stuck in this purgatory??

Chance or Choice??

Sharing an exchange between me and my friend via FB..

Original Post: Do things happen to us by chance or by choice??

Jun Rodriguez: one philosopher said.. "It comes to you as an opportunity or by CHANCE as you may say it.. Then comes the decision you make or the power to choose which path you take and the outcome will simply be the CHOICE you made.."

All things are connected with each other. It incorporate all aspect of life. So the next time something happens, remember, it's only a chance that can lead you to your choice..

-S'Lancelot III

Me: so Jun, I would assume that you believe in fate??

Jun Rodriguez: call it de ja vu or fate.. but everything that happens already happened.. i dont know how to explain it but sometime fragments can come out of dream while your on a deep sleep.. then the next coming days or months, or even years you'll stop and say these things happened already.. you just cant explain how but deep down inside you know it did happen..

and thats why i believe in it..

Me: to each his own I suppose. my head's debating on the concept. chance or choice or probably both but its a bit disturbing to just leave things out to fate. one would like to think they have some sense of control with what happens to them. but once you choose what door to open it automatically leaves your other options for that particular situation closed. which makes you think of all the possibilities that you've forfeited. the "what if" of it all. most people tend to make "fate" the excuse for their place in the universe. so where does the blame really fall, chance or choice??

Jun Rodriguez: I'm no wise when it come this. I had my fair share of troubles and what if's.. but there's no real answer or remedy for all of these. like you said, once you choose the door the other one will be closed. life is evolving and everything is a constant change. you just have to be happy with the choice you take or be affected by the what if's for the rest if your life.. a famous quote by jkr says, help will always be given at hogwarts for those who deserve it.. in life, no matter what decision you make and how difficult may it be to you, you can count there's always an unexplainable answer that will come your way.. Let it go.. Just go with the flow and everything will just follow. Above all things, reflect and meditate. Pray for that's the only weapon you have to withstand the test of time..

Me: Wise words.. I think we've all have our fair share of "what if's". That's for sure. It's just that sometimes, when you're not sure where you are in life or when you're not where you thought your decisions will lead you to, it makes you stop and think back. It is too late to take back things that's already done most of the time, 'cause one can't really go back to that crossroad. But sometimes the mind wonders.. Even you've been careful with the choices you made in life, things may still not what you thought it would be. It's the outside factors that sometime stink and leaving it all to fate just seem really stupid!!

What's up??

So blogging my thoughts seem like a good idea, safely knowing that no one would probably read it no matter how may times I publish it. Because let's face it, no one really cares what I think because people are generally more preoccupied with their own thoughts. I could probably disappear and no one would notice. Which is both disturbing and refreshing at the same time.

January is a disappointing for me so far. As most people do, I made life altering plans before 2012 ended and now, it's 2013 and none of those plans have been put to actions. Let's just say that the support I was expecting still haven't received the memo that I needed help. I stupidly thought that this year could be my new start because last year was devastating. I made elaborate plans on how I could make my life in order but they're now just a distant memory, dwindling, slowly looking bleaker as the days pass..

The calendar is moving faster than usual and it feels like I'm watching it go while standing still. I've done nothing of significance. Granted some people would say that the year is just starting and there are 11 more months to redeem myself but a month of absolutely nothing is a month I can never get back. Time will not hit the pause button while I try to get myself out of this funk. And the big problem is I don''t know how to get out. I'm about to break and again, I don't know what the frack to do!! It is so fracking frustrating!!

So what now?? It's the question I've been asking myself everyday when I get up and before I go to sleep. It's the question that's on my mind almost every second. And to rephrase those three nagging words, so now what??

First of all..

I am in a another crossroad in my life. Unsure of how to proceed and which direction to take. Now I've been looking for the exit, trying to figure things out. But my mind is too clutter, I don't really know where to start. So after watching a ton of TV series whose characters are able to effectively narrate and pin point the things they what in life as well as exactly what they need to do by simply putting thoughts into words, I decided there is no harm in trying the method.

I've blogged a couple of times before, they all ended up in cyberspace trash because I didn't feel the things I've composed was enough to clear my head. I should have shared, I'm a writer.. Not your trying hard "I can put words into sentences so I must be a writer". I have a diploma in Journalism that would clear that up. I'm not saying that I'm better than everybody else or that I am more qualified to be typing my thoughts away for probably no one to see. What I'm trying to say is that, I studied it for four years I might as well put it to use.

I write a journal, but paper is limiting and you can only put so much words before they run out. The logical thing to do is put it in cyberspace. Unlimited space and no extra memory stored in my laptop.