Pathetic!

You know you're pathetic when the only one you can talk to is your computer. Spending the afternoon typing away and being eaten up by frustration is just another low for me. Since this morning when I started blogging my thoughts they decided to spill out of my head. Now there are too many things running in my head making me even more confused, thus defeating the purpose of trying to figure things out.

I'm stuck, unable to do anything or make any of my plans happen. Then a thought came to mind. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just go back to the times when things were much simple? I'm not saying I wanna go to the years before my time but rather to go back to high-school. Unlike most people HS was not a nightmare for me. It was difficult but the "me" that was then and the "me" that is now are completely different people. I am not the person I thought I would be and I miss the bright-eyed, active and hopeful me of the past.

I know it is impossible and "what if's" are a waste of time, but when you don't have anything interesting going on  and you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown what else is there to do but let your mind roam free. There are only so many relevant things you can ponder on and fantasizing about the future seems more pathetic. Forming "what is to be" is a lot more disappointing and depressing to me.

So I'm sitting here trying to keep my mind distracted to avoid facing the inevitable reality that I'm going nowhere at my current state and I can't do anything about it yet, because the resources I was supposed to have is still pending. The waiting is the most painful part. I'm beginning to get hopeless. How much longer am I gonna be stuck in this purgatory??