I will never be whole again..

I don't have a normal family to say the least..

My family would not approve of the statement above nor can they refute it. I grew up with my grandma with the only real family I had, my brother. And as part of the devastation that is 2012 he had gone to a better place. He was and still is my best friend and only brother. Now I will not go into the details of the worst time of my life. All I can say is that I miss him everyday. Nothing is the same. The world looks bleak and the light at the end of the tunnel has disintegrated.

There are no words that would sufficiently describe how I feel, this is a meager effort to do so. There is no description to the pain and emptiness that will forever be inside me. My eyes are dead, my skin is numb, my smiles are empty, my laugh is forced, the person I was is non-existent and my life is ruined. I am broken..damaged..and I will never be whole again.

I have avoided talking about what happened because the more people acknowledge it, the more it made things real. I didn't want to accept it because it would be admitting that the only person who really knows me, the only person who was always there no matter what, the only one who can make me feel better however pathetic my life is and has loved me for whatever I am..is not with me anymore.

I can no longer talk to him about anything under the sun, we can't go to movies and criticize the work, we cannot share and swap books nor recommend games and songs, he will no longer be able to give me feedback on my written works, we can't bitch about work and life to each other, I can no longer feel the hugs and kisses that he is always so generous to give, I can no longer feel his arms around my shoulder and whisper assurance to my life decisions. A part of myself that I love has gone with him.

I have never felt so lost, so much in pain and unbelievably devastated. I can still hear the phone call that ruined my life. I have an imprint of the day that had changed my life and turned it upside down. August 8, 2012 was the day the sun set, and it has never risen since then.

I will never get over this, I know that and I don't want to anyway. All I have now are memories. From our playing in the backyard to talking about tomorrows. We used to plan our individual futures. We were supposed to build homes side by side, he was supposed to walk me down the aisle and give me away on my wedding. We were supposed to watch our children grow while smoking and drinking beer on the porch. But those days won't come. Those visions will never see the light of reality. And these tears will never dry. There is no recovery from losing him. People say that he's watching over us in a better place and I know he does. But I would give up everything just to have him back. I would take his place any day. I would rather it have been me than him.

I love you forever Kuya.. No words could ever describe just how much..

The world may not have ended on Dec. 21, 2012.. But mine sure did long before the date itself..