I’m a Mess

A cluttered mind can lead to insanity and mine is all but organized. My frustrations are eating me up in a way that I can no longer control and I’m only a few moments from pulling my hair out, banging my head against the wall or drinking ‘till I need subtitles to be understood. They say there is a thin line between genius and insanity; I’m beginning to wonder if I’m that smart that I am able to cross that line. Now for those who are starting to think I’m conceited, hold your horses. The previous statement was a joke.

I don’t want to be unique, unlike everybody else. I crave for normalcy. I've been eccentric and different all my life in most aspects that it has become a cliché to me. I know that it is a very vague concept because I am aware that there is really no definition of what is normal. It is merely what the majority of people living in your particular society are. Those people who look at you with disdain when they see that you dip your Oreos in peanut butter, the peeps that cut their eyes at you when you ask for four shots of espresso with your macchiato, and the bible thumpers whose eyes get huge when you tell them that you’re no longer a virgin. They are the ones that define what’s normal. And I’m not saying I want to be like them, far from it. What I want is less attention from them. Live in a way that they won’t comment on every move I make. That is what I want.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. I am a disarray of confusion and a cloud of misery. I've learned not to care of what everybody else thinks but I envy those who can think straight and have fewer worries than I do. To clarify, I’m not ungrateful of what I have. I make do and I know that there are people who are in deeper turmoil than I am. What I have a hard time understanding is why it seems that they are able to manage their burdens a lot better than I can. People who are in worse shape than I am still look more together. What’s up with that??

When I was still juggling college and work, I contemplated being an alcoholic. A friend and I managed to drink every night ‘till the sun rises despite our crazy schedules. It didn't stick. I came to a point where I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I drink. I was funny, amusing and frustrating all at the time. So that was the end of that thought.

I still don’t have a solution to this dilemma. If I figure it out I’d write a book and sell it to those just like me, for I’m sure they’re out there. For now though, I struggle with my mind; fighting the urge to have a nervous breakdown that is caused by the problems that are piling up in my head, finding the exit door to get out of this hell hole that I’m in and trying to get my life in some order that would actually let me live.. This borderline personality is taking its toll and I don’t have exact change..