Recovering..

After months of doubting myself and the future that was ahead, I’m able to breath. I’m trying to get my hopes up but the negativity that had been a blanket to my misery is still looming over me. The other shoe is poised to drop at any moment and I’m trying to anticipate it.  I still want to go through with my plans and I still badly need a fresh start anywhere but here. The only dilemma is, now I’m scared. I don’t know where it came from but I am. I’m beginning to have reservations about my survival skills away from my comfort zone, although that is exactly what I want. Someplace away from the environment I’m used to, because let’s face it; if it gets any worse than this then I’m off to the loony bin.

I haven’t informed my mom of the progress of our delayed plans as I still have some responsibilities to accomplish first. Tomorrow is Chinese New Year which we were supposed to spend this with them. We should have arrived yesterday if our original plans did not fall through; we’d have had dinner with my family last night. And if we were able to realize those plans, we’d probably out right now, spending time with the family. We could have spent Chinese New Year together for the first time but that is that. Could. Would. Should.

Now that those sentiments have been said, I can put that behind me. I’m just looking forward to spending time with them as soon as possible. Hopefully we’ll be able to do that in a week. We’ve planned out our budget and made a list of things to do. We still need to wait for a couple of days to start but at least we’re on our way to something other than waiting for our world to change.

Ogot has a couple of issues to sort out too. It is also an internal predicament like mine so all we can do is provide each other with moral support. It’s one of the great things about our relationship; we are close with spaces. We manage to deal with personal issue without being suffocated by the others personal opinion. There are no demands and nagging as to what the other should do with regard to their problem, yet things are always open for discussion. There is no pressure and that freedom we have does not interfere with the closeness of our relationship. We are not perfect but we manage. As of today, the list we’ve made of things to do before we leave is about a mile long and since we have personal things to sort out first, we’d only have around two days to complete them. It’s exhilarating. We obviously thrive under pressure which was why these past few weeks were a bit mind numbing for us.

The days I was hoping for now have a glimpse of reality. Only time will tell if everything will fall into place..