Night After

02/03/2013 – 11:20PM

I’m currently having a fight with Ogot. That is not a good way to get through these tumultuous times. I was nursing a headache when we got home so after getting our stuff in order, I slept it off. That worked a bit so I joined hubby upstairs while he starter editing pictures. Things were going as usual until a tantrum exploded out of nowhere. I don’t really care for being spoken to in harsh manners or getting looked at inhospitably when I’ve done nothing out of the ordinary.

So I’m secluding myself in the dining room, typing angrily at my innocent keyboard. Oh well, shit happens. What I’m wondering is why crap is happening so much these days I can barely keep up. Tomorrow is another day of doubt and mulling about the future that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere near where I hope for. That’s not something I want to look forward to. But that is that and I don’t really have other options apart from waiting at the moment. I’m disbelieving of my ability to figure something else out. I don’t know when I stopped believing, I just know I’m worn down by all the uncertainties that I’m currently facing.

Words are spilling out of my head and trying to get them in an understandable order is beginning to be a challenge and If can’t formulate coherent sentences than I’m in really big trouble. The clutter, frustrations and worries stuck in my mind is one thing; it’s another to be completely consumed by it all. It’s bad enough that I’m about to lose my sanity but having been defeated by all this sounds really pathetic. I feel pathetic too and helpless, and a ton of other senseless things that is driving me nuts! I’m sure somewhere lays a room, complete with a straight jacket and chains with my name on it, just waiting for me to crack. So what will come first; the realization of my plans for the future or my surrender to insanity??

Afternoon After

02/03/2013 – 1:40PM

We are on our way home from out of town, tired but had fun. My muscles are sore from swimming all night until noon this morning, with only meals and three hours of sleep for a break. It was not as good a distraction as I’d hope it would be but nonetheless, it helped. Going back home to the chaos that is the reality of my life is dreadful. I had almost two days of break. That should suffice.

Road trips are always fascinating to me, whether it’s a long drive or there’s traffic or whatnot. I have a habit of sitting by the car door to look at the things and people we pass by. It keeps me preoccupied and I can trick my mind into thinking about very random things rather than wallow in the obstructions of my future endeavors.

I tend to make up stories in my head about the people and objects I see. We’ll I tend to do that anywhere actually; while sitting at a coffee shop, waiting in line in the movies, even when just looking outside our bedroom window. That is every time I want to focus on other people instead of myself.

There is something amusing about figuring out what type of person one just occasionally encounters from afar. I’m not trying to judge a book by its cover or anything like that. What I do is creating a different reality. It’s pure fiction and is no reflection of the actual person. It’s an upgrade from talking to one’s self, which people normally frown upon.

Now, I’m aware that I’m babbling about random things such as people watching. The reason is pretty obvious. I’m trying, yet again, to distract myself. I keep myself busy with sometimes idiotic thoughts to avoid the inevitable realization that my life is currently on pause while time, very uncooperative as always, continuously moves. I may make sense to some people and no to some. But this blog was not intended for the benefit of the reader, as I’m safe in knowing no one really bothers to read this, nor care what I thought. (That was not bitter by the way, but rather reassuring.) This is my outlet which I obviously need nowadays. It helps a little I suppose. I’m still typing away at my laptop right??

Morning After

02/03/2013 – 7:20AM

We're still on vacation and I did not wake up to a good start. Had about three hours of sleep and my body hurts from all the swimming we did the night before. I'm not feeling well and because of that, I'm grumpy. But it's not bound to last long. I'm trying to eat my way to a better mood. Thankfully, the morning coffee and cigarette helped a little. Despite the booze and lack of sleep though, everyone else is perky and doing a lot better that I am. It seems I'm no longer the hard partier that I used to be. Good for me. Or maybe it's a fluke..

The booze didn't do anything for me and I'm used to the absence of sleep. I'm guessing the cantankerous disposition this morning is caused mainly by my frustrations pecking at me. My mind is still a clutter of worries and thoughts about my bleak future. Let's just say it's hard to be optimistic in the morning. Something about the sun rising from the horizon makes me think that the new start I've been hoping for may be a joke. All this waiting has turned me cynical.

For right now I will drown my worries in the pool, while we still have time. Try to tire myself out 'till I can't move, let alone drive myself to insanity by my thoughts. Aching muscles should be a great distraction or at least I hope it is..

I’m a Mess

A cluttered mind can lead to insanity and mine is all but organized. My frustrations are eating me up in a way that I can no longer control and I’m only a few moments from pulling my hair out, banging my head against the wall or drinking ‘till I need subtitles to be understood. They say there is a thin line between genius and insanity; I’m beginning to wonder if I’m that smart that I am able to cross that line. Now for those who are starting to think I’m conceited, hold your horses. The previous statement was a joke.

I don’t want to be unique, unlike everybody else. I crave for normalcy. I've been eccentric and different all my life in most aspects that it has become a cliché to me. I know that it is a very vague concept because I am aware that there is really no definition of what is normal. It is merely what the majority of people living in your particular society are. Those people who look at you with disdain when they see that you dip your Oreos in peanut butter, the peeps that cut their eyes at you when you ask for four shots of espresso with your macchiato, and the bible thumpers whose eyes get huge when you tell them that you’re no longer a virgin. They are the ones that define what’s normal. And I’m not saying I want to be like them, far from it. What I want is less attention from them. Live in a way that they won’t comment on every move I make. That is what I want.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. I am a disarray of confusion and a cloud of misery. I've learned not to care of what everybody else thinks but I envy those who can think straight and have fewer worries than I do. To clarify, I’m not ungrateful of what I have. I make do and I know that there are people who are in deeper turmoil than I am. What I have a hard time understanding is why it seems that they are able to manage their burdens a lot better than I can. People who are in worse shape than I am still look more together. What’s up with that??

When I was still juggling college and work, I contemplated being an alcoholic. A friend and I managed to drink every night ‘till the sun rises despite our crazy schedules. It didn't stick. I came to a point where I couldn't get drunk no matter how much I drink. I was funny, amusing and frustrating all at the time. So that was the end of that thought.

I still don’t have a solution to this dilemma. If I figure it out I’d write a book and sell it to those just like me, for I’m sure they’re out there. For now though, I struggle with my mind; fighting the urge to have a nervous breakdown that is caused by the problems that are piling up in my head, finding the exit door to get out of this hell hole that I’m in and trying to get my life in some order that would actually let me live.. This borderline personality is taking its toll and I don’t have exact change..

On the Road Pt. 3

02/02/2013 9:30PM

Given that I've written three blog entries in less than a twelve hour period, I suppose you can get a glimpse of how this vacation is going. It’s not that I’m not having fun, because I sincerely am enjoying myself and the company of Ogot’s family. I also got my cardio on in the pool so that’s a plus. I’m blogging not because I’m ungrateful for this trip but rather because there are so many things running through my mind at the same time that I need to get some of them out before I lose my sanity.

Ogot’s family is great. They are all wonderful people, very understanding, concerned and unbelievably hospital. I was never big on parental guidance before Mommy Lot (Ogot’s mom). She is always mindful of everyone in her family, super hardworking, accommodating and the epitome of a loving mother. Her concern for my well-being is heart-warming. I’ll forever be appreciative of how she treats me, which is almost like one of her own.

Ogot’s dad and siblings on the other hand, are also remarkable. They are always so nice to me that I've never felt out of place. Which is why despite all the worries I burden myself with, their company is always welcomed. From gadgets to jokes, from his younger brother’s plans for college to relationships, there are few topics that are off limits. Everyone is included and consulted in plans and no one is left out. Their family is not flawless but it’s so close to perfection that it’s enviable.

Now Ogot’s family may have triggered feelings of the things I missed out due to my unconventional upbringing (to say the least) but I’m happy with what I got. Which is why moving away is so important to me. We are planning to go to SG which is where my parents and sister are. The fresh start I want includes reconnecting with my family whom I rarely see. Because even though we talk over the phone, send messages via FB and text, it’s not enough. My relationship with my family is depreciated by distance and I want to amend that. I know I’m a little old to crave for such normalcy since I grew up with the eccentric way of living but that void is with me everywhere. The only reason I never left was because of my brother, and now that he’s no longer with me the void grew larger. Everywhere and everything here reminds me of the reason why I’ll never be whole again. That is why I've been obsessing about moving away and trying to get a new start. So I’m still praying, pining and pleading..

Please hear me.. I need help..

On the Road Pt. 2

02/02/2013 6:00PM

So we finally got to Laguna. Dinner was a bit savage as we were starving, having only eaten junk food on the way. The place was okay. Hot spring water was calming. But I still can’t shake the weary thoughts running through my head. I brain doesn't have a shutdown button so it’s continually bother by contemplation of the days that are swiftly passing while I stand still watching it go by. The waiting is unbearable now and paranoia is seeping in. Will I ever be able to start anew? Are my plans ever going to see the light of reality? Is the dream of leaving behind the tragedies of my life ever going to be realized?

I’m not so sure anymore..

Still I wait, because there is nothing else I can do. I've done all can and being hopeful is starting to feel pathetic. Perhaps the only good thing now is that I can still keep a straight face. I laugh on cue and I can still talk with sense. I still appreciate the little things and I enjoy what people would. But life looks normal from the outside but it’s an entirely different story inside..

On the Road Pt. 1

02/02/2013 2:00PM

It’s the weekend and for a change, we’re going out of town. We've been planning for this trip the entire week, while simultaneously worrying about the future; that is currently looking bleaker by the minute.

The “powers that be” are officially ignoring me. I've gotten no response to any of my inquiry, whether by phone or text. I've resorted to contacting the people who had connections to the “powers that be” and I've successfully gotten nowhere. I’m pathetic and terribly worried that my plans will be thrown in the back burner. I’m not a super religious person but I’m praying so hard for a break. The Big Guy upstairs is not responding yet so I’m trying to keep myself together, so far I’m not doing a good job at that. I’m close to pulling my hair out and screaming against my pillow no longer help with reducing my frustrations. However, I’m still able to save face so I haven’t reached my breaking point yet. I guess it’s always darker before it turns absolutely pitch black..

We are currently driving to a hot spring resort in Laguna that I found via FB. This trip is supposed to be an outing for Ogot’s family before we head off to a distant place but even though those plans are looking dreary, we haven’t got the heart to broadcast it. Telling people of the pending impossibility of our plans will only make it real and we are still hoping that things push through. A delay would be acceptable as long as I’m able to fulfill certain appointments, otherwise, it would not only break my heart but I’ll also be a major disappointment to someone I don’t want to let down.

I’m trouble by all this things whilst sitting in this van and going towards what is supposed to be an enjoyable outing. I’m not saying that I wouldn't participate it the fun, I’m not a hypocrite. I badly need a distraction and this trip is better than anything else I've tried so far. Besides, I've mastered the art of keeping things bottled up so this shouldn't be much of a stretch. I genuinely want to have a good time, if I could only shut my mind off and stop obsessing about the things that should be. I’m trying but perhaps I should try harder.

They say that denial is a great healer and I've been nagged by a dear friend to try it, but deluding myself that everything is or will be all okay seem too long of a shot to be believable to me. I’m what people used to call an eternal pessimist. I don’t mean to be and frankly I don’t want to be. I've managed to get over that trait but lately, it’s been rearing its ugly head. As misery would have it, I unfortunately don’t know how to turn from here. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I desperately need a fresh start and I can’t do it here. I want to hit the reset button. Everything has been set and carefully planned. I’m just waiting for an answer to a question that is eluding me. I just need one more thing and we’ll be off. I’m still waiting..