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I'm still waiting for my world to change. The frustration is seeping in again. The deadline is near and I have nothing much to show for it. It sucks on so many levels I can't properly express it with words. The powers that be is taking their time with my request and I'm losing a little faith. Went to church today and prayed.

I'm not really a fan of organized religion, although I was baptized a Roman Catholic. However, I firmly believe in God. I don't really know how to define or explain or relationship but it's there. And lately, a new beginning is the only I've been asking him. It's the only thing I'm looking forward to and frankly, badly needing. I can only hope that the day I'm desperately waiting for doesn't just pass me by with nothing on it. I hope, I pray, I pine, I plea..

On a less depressing subject.. Ogot and I decided to go out to buy his long overdue birthday gift. I was hesitant for a bit because every move I make nowadays is calculated. But I made a promise and I had every intention to deliver. So we bought a Canon EOS 600D DSLR. It's a bit steep but hubby's face after the purchase made it worth even penny. It's really fun to watch him fiddle around with the settings and get a better feel of the camera. He's an aspiring photographer and he's got the talent for it, I'm more than glad to support his passion. Despite my head being cluttered by so many things, regardless of my frustrations eating me up and in spite of all my troubles, I'm genuinely happy for my hubby..

Lazy Day

We've been going at it non-stop for a couple of days now and while it's great to be busy, we needed a break. So we decided to stay home. To fill my time I caught up with my writing, updated my blog while Ogot edited and uploaded pictures from the days before. It was a slow day but not to the point of boredom.

Ogot's mom was not feeling okay so she stayed home with us. After working up an appetite from working on my computer, I decided to order some pizza over the internet to test my Shakey's card. After about 15 mins, I got a call confirming my order. Gotta love the internet.

There's only three of us in the house but we got 2 large boxes of pizzas plus some cheesy garlic bread 'cause it's one of my fave. We all talked over the meal and just hang back. Before we knew it, only four slices remained. We were able to gobble up the order without noticing it. It was funny.

Now there is still a lot to write and a lot of things to do so even our lazy day is a tad busy. But it's okay, we still have a couple of days before we are off. That should give us enough time to finish everything we've planned. That is if the powers that be already got my memo. Still waiting.. Still trying to be hopeful..

Happy Friends

Supposed Post Date: 01-27-13

After exchanging correspondence via Facebook with my gay friends, we finally got our schedules in sync and was able to have dinner and drinks. What I love most about my happy friends is that when we get together, it seems like no time has passed. Everything feels so natural, we talk as if we see each other everyday and they always know how to comfort me despite all the chaos that life brings. They are honest, straight forward and true, there was nothing more I could ask for in friends.

We settled in a restaurant/bar and at some point, even jammed with the acoustics. We got all the serious talk done and settled with then just sat back, relaxed, ate a ton of food that would equal our body weight and laughed our way through the evening. No story was off-limits, from funnies to the disgusting, to the abnormal and over the top crazy. It was great.

Hubby and I told them about migrating and getting a fresh start some place else and not only were they supportive, they've already schedule a visit. In addition, they've expressed that they are also looking into soaking in a new environment, they've made plans of coming with eventually so that we can all get the new beginning we all badly need. And because we all know that moving to a different country is unbelievably difficult, we figured we could use some support. We've been looking for the same things, so we might as well do it together. Even though we are not going there at the same time, we have a bit of a head start, the thought of having friends around surely makes all the difference.

So we continued to talk for hours about everything under the stars well into midnight. We discussed about the future and goofed around like kids. It was great. I forgot the last time I had that much fun. It was nice to be reminded..

3rd Party

Supposed Post Date: 01-25-13

It's been a long day but it's nice to be busy. After spending the morning getting prepared, we spent lunch 'till late afternoon on the 1st birthday party of hubby's nephew. Since the party was held in "Fun-Time" we opted to get in touch with the child in us and hit the quirky arcade games and collected tickets. After spending over P200 at P5/token, we gathered around 180 tickets. It sounds a lot of tickets but we only managed to exchange it for popcorn and a bread stick. Arcades have changed a ton since I was a kid. Oh well..

After getting home from the party, we prepped for our next outing which was to meet with my college friends. Now I'm the only girl in our solid group of 5 and 2 of those guys were my ex. It sounds complicated when I tell people that but it's really no big deal to us. We all managed to be good friends despite whatever it was that happened in the past. My issue with them recently was that for a couple of years now, they haven't really been there for me, including the devastation that was 2012. They were all MIA, busy with life and their respective girlfriends. I understood all that but I was hurt. What was expected?? I'm human.

So we met up for dinner, coffee plus drinks and got caught up a bit, laughed hard and talked about life. All was for forgotten and it was okay. I've mentioned that I want to migrate and we (hubby and I) are going through with the plans, so spending time with friends is a big deal to me. But I as I was sitting at the coffee shop, looking around my college friends, listen to them joke around and have fun, I got bummed out. It wasn't because I was leaving and it will take a while for me to see them again. I was because I know that it wouldn't make any impact. When I leave it won't matter. I wouldn't even be missed..

It sounds depressing but I know it to be true. Years have passed and no one really bothered to call or send a message asking me to come to one of their hang-outs. I never got a solid response to my offers of getting together either. Their lives have moved on without a thought of me and maybe that's okay. We are still friends, I think, well at least in my mind we are, but it's not the same. We can't go back to how we were and the gap seem to be too wide to seal. At least I know they're happy. And as long as they're happy, I'm.....

I Miss Me..

Supposed Post Date: 01-24-13

I was up late at night and caught a friend online by chance. Mike and I have known each other for years and he can read me like a book. We have the same wave length and we like the same things. If he wasn't gay we'd probably have dated at some point. We both needed time to catch up and get a break from our humdrum lives, and since he wanted my connections to set up a party, we opted to meet the following night.

So we talked about anything under the sun. We haven't really been in touch for a while and haven't really acknowledged the changes that have been happening for the past year. Taking the time to stop, step back and look at your life makes one realize the changes that you didn't bother to notice in yourself.

We used to be care-free, drinking every night, partying all day and living for the moment. Those days have long gone. Now we occupy ourselves with work and responsibilities. Bothered with relationships and giving that we forget about ourselves in the process. We obsess about the future and the things we ought to have accomplished. We changed and we missed the people we were. We needed a break.

So we grabbed a bottle and tried to relive the old days even for just one night. It was nice but at the back of our minds we know that it's not gonna last. We still had to go back to our semi-boring reality. We tried to talk things out and help each other got through whatever it was that we were facing. I know it's not a lot but knowing that someone else is going through what you are is reassuring. Having that someone be a friend is a one in a million shot that can never be comprehensible. We're still lucky. We can't complain because it's really never as bad as we make it to be and to top it of, we have each other.. We'll be fine, we hope..

Coffeedence

Right about the time I was ready to go berserk, just before my head explode, the door to my plans unlocked. It didn't open but I least now I can turn the knob and try to push.

Woke up early today hoping to catch a break. Forced myself to push the call button on my phone to the "powers that be". I finally got a reply asking me to go to the office and collect my due diligence. So I dragged myself out of bed and left the house feeling a little hopeful but trying to prepare for a disaster (as most of my trips to the office often end up that way).

The POC was on break when we got there, we being me and hubby as he volunteered to come with me. To kill time, we went to one of my favorite coffee shops and had breakfast. I was apparently hungry and accidentally snorted the bagels on my plate. I called my mom to catch up since I was feeling guilty for not being in touch for weeks now and I didn't want them to be upset. We had a good talk, just the usual hullabaloo. I was feeling better after a tall glass of coffee and was ready to face the dragon that was the client's POC.

I was able to talk to the POC without scrambling for words, probably because of the coffee, but got disappointed as I didn't receive the amount I was supposed to get. I was expected to wait some more. That was no surprise to me as I was expecting the worse and they always do crap like this. So the waiting continues.. I think I can manage to hold it together 'till then.

For now, at least, I can fulfill my responsibilities. I will worry about my life some other time..

A way to get by..

I've been writing non-stop to distract myself from my overflowing frustrations and it finally paid off a couple of hours ago. I decided to get out of the house despite my migraine in the hopes of relieving it with some fresh air. It didn't work but I was able to check my ATM card and I apparently got payment for some of the articles I've made. I wasn't expecting it for a couple of days and I just checked my card for no reason. It's not a lot but at least I'm not skint anymore.

I still need to get an update from the "powers that be" in order to go through with my planned migration and I'm planning to bug the POC everyday starting tomorrow until I get an answer. I need at least an ETA or I might snap.

My defense mechanism is up again because of everything that's happened which means I've been bolting it all in. I tried looking for emotional support from friends but it's been a disappointing endeavor. My college friends have not been able to free up any time for a couple of years now mainly because of their girlfriends, a problem with the only girl in the group. I've tried to make contact but I guess I'm just not part of their world anymore. My happily gay friends are more accommodating but our schedules are not as helpful. I've never been known to share my troubles with family so apart from hubby, whom I don't wanna get worked up with all my frustrations, there's no one. Now this is not new to me. It's been this way ever since and I get by. My brother was the one who always comforted me, he need not know exactly what was bothering me, he was just always there. Now I no longer have that and it only makes me even more irrevocably depressed. There is nothing more I can do about how life should have been and I may want to bang my head against the wall about 5-10 times a day but it is what it is.

I'm growing cynical day-by-day and even though I'm thankful that I was able to get a little something out of my work, it still doesn't even come close to compensating the hell I'm currently in. If it weren't for hubby I won't have been able to keep up with all this sh*t. There is no door marked "exit", no shortcut to the answers, no arrows to point me to the right direction and certainly no "skip to the end" button to push. Whether I accept the things that are happening, life is shoving it down my throat. The only option is to buck up and take whatever the frack life decides to hand me without elaborate complaints. I understand letting off some steam but wallowing in self-pity is pointless and unhelpful. Because if life is unfair to everyone, doesn't that make life fair??