What Now??

Staring life over at 26 is depressing. But when life gives you no other choice, and you've officially hit rock bottom, the only thing one can do is move forward. Besides, no matter how much I would like to crawl into bed and never wake up to avoid this nightmare, it's impossible. I've already said this once; even if your world stops, the rest of the universe doesn't. Time still moves forward, the days pass, you're still here and your life is still for you to live no matter how empty it is. It's unavoidable.

I have no family left, no fulfilling career and no place to go home to and call my own. I have friends, granted, but they all have lives of their own to worry about. To top it all, I've come to realize that the only lesson I've learned from my previous mistakes is that I can't stop repeating them.

Reality, and someone in particular, had given me a slap in the face. There are somethings I've been holding onto, unconsciously,  that I should have let go a long time before. I was in awe that I was able to delude myself into thinking that everything was okay and over for as long as I had. When in reality, it has always been in the back of my being, lurking. Accepting that fact was the easy part though. Doing something about it was the other side of the coin I wasn't sure I wanted to flip. But after a series of faking nonchalance and pushing the idea away, I caved. Out of the insistence of two close friends, a certain someone who keep pushing at it and the knowledge that it's not going to go away on it's own. I laid everything on the line and exposed myself completely. It was a risk. I was an idiot. I lived in blissful hopefulness for a couple of days when the door slammed on me a day before my f*cking birthday. It was the best birthday gift I've ever received. I was on my way home when a single text message broke me to millions of pieces. I should have listen to my instincts and not my foolish counterpart. I felt used and unbelievably stupid. I dropped my phone as tears blurred my vision. It was a pain so absolute it broke me.

After days of embracing the pain, I figure I was given a clean slate; at least that was what I kept telling myself. I'm starting over, yet again. At 26 no less. It's pathetic. It took me a couple of days to convince myself that this is not a hopeless situation. Luckily, I've never been one to wallow in self-pity. As much as the hurt consumed me I forced myself to move forward. So I got over it, or the better term being I ignored and place the excruciating ache on the back burner as much as I could, and immediately completed the planning stage of this charade. I needed a goal and directions to achieve it. I started with the basics; a found freelance work that could keep me solvent and job offers that I could consider seriously. I've narrowed the company selection to two and I have the rest of the month to figure out which one to take. Glad to have established solid work experience and a respectable portfolio that afforded me the position to have a choice.

Next phase was housing, as I no longer have the safety net that was my family and childhood home. Thankfully, there are people in the world who took me in and refused to give me a homeless status. I will always be grateful for that. I carry my weight though and am trying to repay their kindness. Despite all this, I am doubly aware that I still need to plant roots. So I'm currently in the scouting phase. It's no easy task given my current resources but I've got help in the search, a great friend who went through the same hunting situation and understands the trial.

I've always known that I can handle the job and housing issues. Those are things I still have control on so I directed my focus on getting them settled. The difficult part to deal with was the grief and the pain. I manage to occupy my time with work, surround myself with friends and do all else in between. But when night falls and I'm all alone, I breakdown. As much as I try to distract myself and no matter how many times I consciously make myself stop and think of something else, it creeps up on me. It's what steals my sleep, appetite and will to live. When morning comes I go through the motions. I do what is expected, slap a smile on my face, try to get my life together and pretend to be strong enough to handle everything. I can only silently cringe at every excruciating thought and feeling that passes, I let it go and save it for nightfall. When I can let it flow and consume me completely; praying that it will eventually end but knowing it won't..

** This entry was written on 11-23-2013. I didn't mean to keep it in stock and I'm not really sure why I didn't publish it when I finished. I'm not sure if I hesitated at the time or if it just slipped my mind. I've been in hiatus for about two months. Not on vacation per se. I drowned myself with work, friends, activities and all else in between. What I avoided is putting my thoughts into writing. I’m not trying to escape from anything at all. I live in the now and I’ve never had a hard time expressing my thoughts. But putting my thoughts into words only solidifies my reality and I’m having a hard time coping as it is.

A lot of things have happened between the time I initially wrote this to now, and that is such a short amount of time, but that is no longer new to me. I’ve become accustomed to my life being a whirlwind of unusual situations that I’ve come to realize that sometimes the only option you are left with is to just go with the flow.

Seul..

It’s been 5 long months since I last wrote an entry. I couldn’t get myself to write anything. I have so many thoughts clouding my head but no courage to put them in print. So many things have happened I still haven’t managed to catch up to all of it and putting them on paper makes it more real to me.

My grandmother turned 73 and I threw her a big birthday party as a gift. Her daughter and son were surprisingly present; an achievement as they both worked overseas and had a rough timing of being in the country at the same time. It was a pleasant event. Most of our close relatives were there, catching up, drinking, laughing and reminiscing. If I knew that it was the last fun moment I’d have with my family I would have wished it never ended.

The next month, I braced myself for the anniversary of my brother’s passing. I couldn’t believe that it’s already been a year. I remember everything. The pain haven’t subsided even a microscopic bit. My world had changed so much since then but the devastation is all the same. My world went downhill from the moment I lost him, to say the least. I’ve been chocked with work, traveling and responsibilities. I didn’t really have a life. Sleep was a luxury I could no longer afford and the world is bleak at best. I barely saw my friends and I felt detached to the world around me.

I don’t think I can manage to say anything more about that..

A couple of months after reliving my endless nightmare and while I was in the middle of a ton of work, I received a phone call saying that my grandmother was in the hospital. I froze where I was sitting. I’ve only ever had my brother and my grandma as it was always just the three of us here in the PH. My family life is generally a complicated mess. I don’t have a perfect relationship with my grandma. We had a lot of ups and downs. But at the end of the day, it cannot be denied that I love her so much. She loved and accepted who I was without volition. She never judged and was supportive about my choices in life, as my brother was. Thoughts were overflowing in my head as my world stopped spinning. I’ve already lost the most important person in my life the year before and I couldn’t afford to lose the prevalent reason why I still manage to get up in the morning.

My heart sank to the floor the moment I stepped into the hospital room. My grandma was staring at the ceiling and wasn’t saying a word. I approached her slowly to see exactly how she was. She looked up and smiled at me. I then let go of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I asked for a run down on what’s been happening at home and disappointment engulfed me..

I was at her bedside every day with a bundle of nerves that I was trying to hide as much as I could. She had a bad night when I was at work and I immediately tensed even more. It had passed when I got to the hospital though but I was still sick to my stomach. Her daughter, my mother, had told us that she would be home soon and grandma had managed to be unbelievably skeptical that it was funny for a moment. She came a couple of days later but timing was off though as I got sick. I met her once in the hospital, we were civil but I was uncomfortable for some reason. A dark cloud is hanging over my head and I’m not sure she even noticed. I could no longer visit grandma in the hospital as I was advised that my condition may hinder her recovery. So I waited by the phone for updates and kept asking how she is. A week after my last visit, she was released from the hospital. I was relieved. She got home ok and a new living situation has been set-up to make sure she’s taken-cared of. One of my favorite aunt and a nursing trained help is to live with her from then on. Her daughter was still in the PH and was overseeing the move. I was finally able to see my grandma and was glad that she was doing a lot better. I visited as much as my schedule allowed without being berated by my boss. My mom and I barely talked. I supposed there’s really nothing to talk about. Our relationship is strained to say the least.

I still insisted on getting updates but I was beginning to breathe a little easier since I knew that my grandma was in good hands. Then, just as the clouds are beginning to clear, I got a text message from one of my grandpas. My grandmother had passed that afternoon. I was sitting on the bus on my way home when I read the message. I dropped my phone and tears fell from my eyes. The world around me stopped. Nothing mattered. I was orphaned..

I don’t remember how I got home. I was in a frenzy of emotions. All I knew was that I needed to get to grandma. That’s when my phone rang. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone but I saw name on the screen and answered. I don’t know why and how but I got a call from the only person whose call mattered at the moment. I was sobbing on the phone and he didn’t know what to say but there was no one else I’d rather talk to.

I got myself together as much as I could and went to my childhood home. I realized on the way that I could no longer call it home. There won’t be anyone to welcome me there and I’ve completely lost the family I’ve only ever known.

I got to the house and saw that my mother was surprised to see me. I didn’t realize I was still crying and she rolled her eyes at me so I had to force myself to stop. I tried to approach her and she was distant, tried to talk to her but she didn’t hear me, she barely even looked at me. She treated me that way the entire time she was in the PH. The only time she was civil to me was when there were other people around. That was the icing on the cake for me. I thought that after last year, I couldn’t possibly feel any more alone than I did. I was wrong. I had no one. Yes, I have friends and relationships but it’s not the same. Realizing that you’ll now have to fight every battle absolutely alone without any safety net whatsoever is not only overwhelming, it shattered me to pieces.

I went through the wake on auto-pilot. I had visits from friends but I felt numb. I was grateful to have friends; I knew that they were the only family I have left so they meant so much more to me. But I needed to grieve for the loss of my biological one. What’s painful and ironic is that even my relatives told me I’m orphaned. That it’s just me now and that I had no one. They kept telling me I’m strong and that I can get through this despite being all alone. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to say. So I said nothing..

We said our final goodbye to Nanay Lucing. I was devastated. I didn’t know where to go from there. I didn’t know what the hell to do with my life. I lacked meaning and direction. Nothing made sense anymore. The dilemma with losing someone is when your own little world stops, the rest of the universe doesn’t. One still need to get up in the morning, go to work and live a life no matter how bleak and empty it is.

I was force to go to work by my boss the same day we said goodbye to Nanay. I don’t remember how I got through the day and the next without sleep and buried in over-flowing work. A colleague stopped me in the middle of my piles of paperwork and pointed something out in his computer. I looked over and sank deeper in misery. My mother had posted something on her social media page that had already been “Liked” by her friends. I’ve been disowned; excruciatingly and very publicly. I stood up from my desk and walked away. I didn’t even bother to look back..

Boracay

The minute we got home from Puerto Galera, it was time to pack our bags for Boracay. We barely got a wink but I, hubby and his best friend Irwin are already heading out the door. We had an evening flight so it was late when we got to the island. There was nothing to do but sleep which is great as we were all really tired. However, before we hit the sack, “someone” had yet another tantrum. Good thing the room had three beds, we all slept separately and I could only hope that the next day would be better.

After a minor confrontation and an annoying breakfast with a bunch of pretentious wannabes on the other table the trip finally turned around. So after a shower and packing some stuff, we hit the beach. We have very limited time so we went off to complete our list. The first on the list is helmet diving. Now, I’ve done this before and its fun all the time. There is an issue of water pressure but feeding fishes under the sea is amazingly cool. Plus the scuba divers who assist are really nice so you feel safe.

We scheduled our next activity and headed off to lunch. I was finally able to go back to Paradise Grill. Their seafood array is always fresh and the dishes are delightful. We ordered shellfish, clams, oyster, fish and vegetables. There are only three of us and up to know I don’t know how we finished all that food. All I can remember was that it was, as always, delicious.

After we walked off our packed stomachs with a little shopping, we went to our next activity.  I’ve also gone Parasailing before and I’ve always found it to be enjoyable. The view from above was peaceful. We had 15 minutes of quiet time just enjoying the view of Boracay and talking about random things under the sun. It was all in all, pleasant.

Since we are in the beach, we of course went swimming. We chilled at The Sand Bar with tropical drinks and rested for a while before hitting the waves. It was a beach front bar that had lounge chairs by the sand making it a perfect spot to relax. We spent most of the afternoon playing in the water and just having fun in the sun. We want back to hotel to get ourselves clean up before going out for dinner and drinks.

The night was also eventful; we started with dinner at Golden Cowrie where we ordered a ton of food again; ribs, chicken, pork, fish and vegetable. It felt like we over-ate again but we were on vacation so we didn’t mind getting a little bloated. Drinks and Shisha was the agenda on our next stop which was at Mint Bar. Someone was playing acoustics in the background while we talked, drank and smoked. Now, hubby’s cousin’s bf has a band that had a regular gig in Boracay and since we were already there, we decided to check them out; which means another round of drinks at Pat’s Creek Bar. Their booze was a lot stronger and we drank it in a bit of a hurry as we didn’t realize how late it was and we have to get up early the next day. So after dowsing ourselves with alcohol and giving myself a cold shower. It was time to go to bed.

Sleep was limited though. We all woke up early for breakfast; the group of pretentious wannabes was on the other table yet again. They are unbelievably annoying and my nose bled when they spoke grammatically incorrect English. We tried our best to tune them out, ate in a hurry and went back to our room to pack our things. Once that was done, we relaxed a bit then prepared to go out.

Lunch was served at I Love Backyard BBQ. I have been craving for their steak for a while now and it’s good to finally be able to eat some. After stuffing our faces with grilled meat, we walked around D’Mall to do a little shopping. When our feet got worn-out, we went to Starbucks for some coffee and smoke break. We talked a little more and contemplated about how it seems like our Boracay trip is too short but as much as we want to stay longer in the island, reality in knocking on our doorsteps and we have to respond. There is always next time. Hopefully..

So that’s it with my summer out-of-town assignments. I got tired to the bone but it was absolutely fun. With any luck, there will be more next year. I can only hope.

Puerto Galera

The summer has been quite eventful but mostly it’s because of my freelance work for TravelCom. So just to break the cycle we planned a trip with my friend Mike and hubby’s best friend Irwin along with hubby’s family to Puerto Galera. We’ve booked reservations at one of my favorite hotels Apartelle de Francesca. We spent the first day doing absolutely nothing but rest. We barely left the hotel except for when we went out for dinner and drinks in the evening.

I was entertaining to watch the ever so talented fire dancers of Galera. Summer meant that every beach front bar was competing in terms of entertainment and booze quality. And since we’ve been a frequent visitor of the island we knew where to go. Miko’s bar updated their entertainment with a gay cabaret which is mostly hilarious. The drinks are still top notched and as always, the bar turns into a disco club after 11 PM. Hubby was not feeling well so he ditched us after dinner and it was just me, Mike, Irwin and Irwin’s unexpected female guest. All in all though, the night out was great; we all got a little tipsy as we drank a ton of booze, especially me and Mike. So cool down, we all jumped in the pool the minute we got back to the hotel. Sleep was immediately achieved after a cold shower.

The next day was a bit more eventful. We were supposed to ride a banana boat but since we are a couple of people short we just decided to try the crazy UFO. All I can about is, once is enough, never again. We continued to explore the beach and ended up getting henna tattoos. The rest of the day was spent exploring the beach and swimming until we were all tired. We all ate a ton at dinner after which, we went out for another round of exploring the island’s nightlife. I was not as great as the previous night. “Someone” had a tantrum and walked out in the middle of drinks. It was total BS. We still tried to have fun after the drama but I just couldn’t. So we drank a ton of booze in a shorter amount of time and went back to the hotel earlier than we had planned.

The morning after was annoying. I woke up pissed! I keep it in though as there are other people in the vicinity who would be alarmed. I eventually let it go as the trip was about to end anyway and we are on our way back to MNL. The trip was mostly pleasant but an unfortunate part of the trip was that the unexpected guest got to everyone’s nerves. But since she’s new to the group everybody opted to be polite. We all aired our grievances to Irwin when the coast was clear but it the trip was already over when we did. Oh well. At least it was mostly good. Now off top Boracay for my last summer trip assignment!!

Laog - Vigan

Laog – Vigan

It’s time to leave Pagudpud and head off to our next destination. But before we head off, we stopped by the famous Pagudpud Clam Landmark. It is literally a giant clam hoisted on top of a hill that had been carved to have high steps, too steep to climb. After our farewells, we drove off to Laog.

After almost four hours on the road, we reached our first destination. St. William’s Cathedral and the Sinking Bell which is right in front of each other. The Cathedral was an old Spanish church that was traditionally decorated while the Sinking Bell is literally a bell tower that has sunk over the years and the top columns are the only ones that are still visible. No one is allowed to explore the bell tower as it is dangerous to walk in due to some construction.

Ilocos Museum was just a couple of minutes away; it showcased photos and artifacts for all over the province as well as local products. We drove a couple more minutes and got to Fort Ilocandia, a famous Beachfront hotel that is a favorite among celebrities visiting Laog. As with most part of the city, it is Spanish inspired, artworks and sculptures made by well-known Filipino artist and of course, photographs of prominent personalities are framed in the lobby.

Paoay was the next destination of our tour, home to former President Marcos and his family. Malacanang of the North behind which is of Paoay Lake. The house is fairly intact, some of the original furniture is still there and old photographs of the family were displayed. Eager HRM students are on standby to give people tours and provide stories behind the house and its former residents.

A few kilometers away is St. Agustin Church, another old Spanish church that is also known as the Paoay Church. But compared to other places in the city, the area is home to both the old and the new. Modern establishments surround the famous church from yogurt shops, restaurants, mini-malls to coffee shops. They are all around the place. One of which is a popular local restaurant named Rafael’s, we had lunch on the said establishment to verify their credibility and true enough, the food was awesome. I ate till I had no space left in my stomach.

Batac is the next stop on our amazing race-like tour. As part of the must see landmarks on my list, we visited the Marcos Museum and Mausoleum. Photos are not allowed inside the Mausoleum so we paid our respects and went straight to the Museum. The Museum is by far my most favorite place in Laog. It housed a ton of artifacts from the war era, Marcos’ books from law school, old newspapers, Imelda’s famous ensemble, even Marcos’ old car plates from when he started working in politics. Most of all, they have a showcase Imelda and Ferdinand Marcos’ 11-day romance. It was fascinating. They got married after only 11 days from the time they met and is a love story that was able to pass so many tests. Up until the end, they still stood by each other. It is rare to find such a relationship that it would fit right in a fairy tale. I’m already gushing so I will stop before I embarrass myself.

After another 2 hour drive, we reached Vigan. Our first stop is Baluarte. A famous area owned by Chavit Singson. It is a zoo that is also the site of the enormous golden building that is his home. It is also known as the Fortress of Vigan. The zoo is the home of his exotic pets that includes a tiger, chimps and small horses plus a butterfly garden. We went through the place in about 30 minutes and we’re off to the next destination.

The Hidden Garden lived up to its name. It is near Baluarte but it still took us over 30 minutes to locate it. It is in the middle of nowhere and there are no directional signs that will help locate the place. But given the photos of the celebrities that are posted on the lobby of the garden, it seems that it is a pretty popular spot. The bonsai exhibit is remarkable; it just goes to show the passion that the owners have for growing the garden. There are butterflies everywhere plus a local restaurant that enabled us to finally try their deep fried longanisa empanada dipped in vinegar. It tasted a bit weird at first but it grows on you after a while.

After sip of fruit shake, we drove to the center of the city. We went to Calle Burgos to visit the Padre Burgos Museum. It is the ancestral house and birthplace of the priest patriot Fr. Jose Burgos. It is one of the notable historic structures in Vigan. It showcases a couple of Spanish era collections that included musical instruments, plates and bowls and even wooden coffins.

A couple of blocks away is the Vigan Plaza, it is in the heart of the city and is in front of the church where most locals go to. Information landmarks are located on every corner of the plaza that illustrates part of the city’s history.

There was a fiesta going on when we visited the city so we had no choice but to walk around the crowded place. We tried our best to navigate through the congested streets and finally got to Calle Crisotolo, the famous Spanish village that is where most of the festival activities are happening. It is yet another scene where the old meets the new, which in this case, is actually a little disappointing. From afar it looks as if the village has been well preserved. But a closer look says otherwise, most of the first floors of the buildings have been renovated to give way to fast food restaurants, coffee shops and shopping areas. It somehow didn’t quite feel right.

After watching the parade we turned a couple of blocks and finally got to the Syquia Mansion. It is the house of President Elpidio Quirino and is where his extensive memorabilia collection is showcased. The caretaker is available to answer any questions the visitors may have about the house and its contents. One of the most interesting things in the Mansion is the portraits of the President and the First Lady. There is no admission fee but it is polite to leave a donation to the kind caretaker.

It is another long day and before catching our late flight back to MNL, we opted to go visit the Vigan Public Market to buy a couple of things. Since we were already there we bought a couple of kilos of the famous Bagnet and Garlic Longanisa. After the day that we had, I was knocked out for the duration of the flight. It was another memorable trip. To be followed by more memorable trips. Puerto Galera is next! ^_^

Pagudpud

Pagudpud: Saud White Beach

We arrived in Pagudpud at almost midnight. There was nothing much to see in the dark as compared to Boracay and Cebu, Pagudpud is not crowded with bars and there’s no active nightlife spot. We checked the beach, drank a cup of coffee and went to sleep. We had the entire next day free to do whatever we want before the amazing race tours start the following two days.

We explored Saud white beach which luckily is right in front of the hotel we stayed at. The beach was clean and the water was the perfect temperature for a swim. Some of us went scuba diving and the rest decided to snorkel. It was all in all the definition of R&R. Another great thing about our trip was the food. There is a ton of delicious local cuisine like bagnet, native salad, freshly catch fish plus an assortment of tropical drinks that was ideal for the summer weather.

Pagudpud – Bangui – Burgos Tour

After a day of doing absolutely nothing, the amazing race started. There are so many places to see and do in Pagudpud that I wondered why it is not as popular as other summer hotspots in the Philippines. Our driver who is a local in the province told us stories behind the every place we went to. It was fascinating as the places were too.

Our first stop was the Pagudpud Bridge, everyone who visits Pagudpud stops by this landmark. It’s across the photo albums of Facebook peeps that pass by this bridge. You’ve got the sea to the left and the mountains to the right then the bridge right in between. The view was breathtaking.

Next on our tour were the Bangui Windmills. This was a project by a former president to find alternative sources of electricity.  It has not been fully utilized as the project seized further development when the said president’s term ended. The windmills were right on the beach and although it’s a bit off the highway and there are only few visitors, it is still a picturesque place to see.

We briefly stopped by the Pagudpud view deck to see the windmills, sea and mountain side. Since it was shaping up to be a full day, we didn’t stay long. The next destination was the Kapurpurawan White Rock Formation, a spot popular for photo-shoots with its unusual yet amazing views. It’s a long walk from the closest parking area and the noon sun was melting every step we took but the 40 minute walk back to and from was worth the 5 minute look around the place.

The Burgos Lighthouse was the next stop on the tour, an old abandoned Spanish style lighthouse that allows an awesome view after climbing steep sets of stairs. We were panting by the time we got to the top and before we can completely catch our breaths it was time for the climb back down to go to the next tourist spot. The lighthouse concluded the South Pagudpud Tour so we were then off to the North.

We started the North Pagudpud tour with a stop at the Patapat Viaduct, another spot that allows the sea collide with the mountain side. Then we were off to Paraiso ni Anton, a tiny waterfall that is absolutely clean that people get mineral water from. The water is also constantly cold and the area looks like a mini sanctuary, hence the name I suppose.

We drove off to Agua Grande afterwards which is another natural water power plant. It is part of the project that aims to find alternative power source like the windmills I’ve mentioned above. But just like the windmills, further developments were negated after the president’s term ended.

After driving for over an hour we finally got to Timangtang rock and Bantay Abot Cave. They are within close vicinity of each other. There is another bout of walking on the sun, getting our feet wet in the sea and climbing rocks, it was tiring and the heat was overwhelming at times but the view, like most of the places we’ve gone to, was well worth all the effort.

My favorite place of all was the second to the last stop, Blue Lagoon. The water is literally deep blue and it is the sight of Hannah’s Beach Resort. It is a vast area with water sport activities and is host to the longest zip line in Southeast Asia. We had lunch at a beach front restaurant and the food, as always, is mouthwatering. The place was a little crowded as it is where most people who visit Pagudpud stay. But the crowd is not so bad because one’s focus is on the view.

Kabigan Falls is the final stop. It is a falls hidden within a mountainous terrain. We had to walk 60 kilometers and almost 2 hours to and from the parking area. We had to pass rice fields, a river and climb up the side of a mountain. The falls was immaculate; the water was cold and fresh so despite sweat dripping from my forehead I was able to enjoy the scenery.

The day was full and I was exhausted but we were able to accomplish my list of places I had to visit and I had a ton of fun. Tomorrow is another full day. Vigan and Laog is up next.

Been Busy..

I have been a neglectful blogger yet again. My bad. I've been out and about for the past month which is why I haven't been able to update my blog. There are so many places I've been and a ton of activities I'd done and would like to talk about but I still need a couple of days to get my thoughts in order.

The summer is almost over and it has been eventful. I've finish a couple of articles for TravelCom and Ogot was finally able to push forward with his love of photography. He is now officially a freelance photographer. The assignments may just be for the summer but it's been a while since I was able to spend the entire summer in peace, doing just what I want to do and being exactly where I want to be.

I will find time to write about what happened this summer, eventually. I still have one last outing to get to then that would be it. My schedule will be freed up after that for sure. I'm somewhat wishing that this summer won't end yet. But it is towards the end as most good things go. I will have to face the sad reality of life soon. I am dreading it but I know it's coming. So I'm soaking up the last bits of summer I can.